A thankful heart...

Earlier this week, I got a bit of a scare. The special lady who has been filling the role of "mom" since mine disappeared found a lump on her breast - the same one she had breast cancer in about 8 years ago. By a miracle, it turned out to only be a cyst. Thanksgiving came early for her and her family - and for me. I don't know what I would've done without her over the years, so I am grateful that this was just a false alarm.

Then there is my husband. Every day... every single day... I look at my husband and I am thankful. I can't imagine where I would be or what my life would look like without him. He is my everything. No matter what happens in my day or what frustrations come up at work or what issues I may have with my mother, I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. In his arms, I can crawl inside, hold on tight and forget about the rest of the world. What a blessing it is to be married and live my life with this wonderful man.

So - this is me. A thankful heart. Looking forward to good food, friends/family and some much needed relaxation time with my husband over this long holiday weekend.

I still can't get through...

If you've ever tried to talk to, reason with, explain yourself or just get through to someone who has a brick for a brain or the stubbornness of a mule, you know exactly what I am feeling. I simply cannot get through to my mother. No matter what I say or how I say it, she refuses to see things from my point of view, admit she's done anything wrong or accept any kind of responsibility for our broken relationship. No, that would be the adult thing to do - and even though she is 58 years old, she is far from acting like an adult.

I don't know what to do. I've wrestled with her last email response for about a week. I can't find anymore words, phrases, illustrations or explanations to get through to her. I'm growing tired of it all really. Even the simplest thing - the fact that I am a grown woman with my own ideas and opinions, far from the girl she used to know - she can't comprehend. Even the smallest inkling of a boundary - like expecting her to earn back my trust before she's privy to personal details of my life - she can't accept or understand. How is even possible to mend this broken mess if she cannot respect me as a woman or the boundaries necessary to rebuild a healthier relationship??

The more I try with my mother, the more I miss my daddy. I don't know why. Maybe I am just craving the love, support and acceptance from a parent. But it feels like I never left square one. I'm fighting the urge to just walk away from the whole thing. My efforts feel like a waste. It's bringing more frustration into my world than peace. No matter what I do, I still can't get through to her...

Well, if you can't handle the truth...

It's been a week since I last replied to my mother and there's just been silence. I was not mean or harsh in my note... As in the previous 3, I was cordial, yet honest. Keep it real. If you ask me a question, don't be mad when you don't get the answer you want. If you ask me a dumb question, don't be mad when I flip that sucker around and point it right back at you.

SO... this is just how I am feeling about the whole thing...

 

 

And so I did... But I'm not sure why...

After a lot of back and forth conversations (with myself, mostly), I bit the bullet and mailed a letter to my mother. It wasn't mean. It wasn't pitiful. It was an "olive branch". It was as much as I could muster up to try to communicate with my mother.

A few weeks passed and one day, out of the blue, I checked the anonymous email I'd set up for the sole purpose of her response. And there it was. She responded. I held my breath as I opened and by the second sentence, I was sitting, chin on the floor, asking myself why I even bothered. It was the most manipulative, guilt-ridden, pity party, delusional fiasco of a letter I've ever read (well, not counting her previous letters, of course). I drove home, aggressive music blaring, windows down, trying to find a way to sort through that mess. When I got home, I had wine... and more wine... talked to my husband... then he had wine... and then a mixed drink... Yep, it was that bad.

I marinated on her letter for a couple of days, pondering whether or not to respond and trying to find a way not to dismiss her altogether. Finally, as respectively as I could, I drafted a reply. It didn't take long before she had more to say - and it was much of the same BS as her first note. After several eyerolls and "Why the hell did I even do this", I began to realize that it was going to be next to impossible to reason with my mother.

As of today, we've corresponded back and forth three times. It's a nightmare really. I am trying not to disrespect her but it's getting more and more difficult to bite my tongue, particularly when she tells bold-faced lies or tries her hand at manipulating me the way she used to. As much as I miss having a mom, I am not going to allow her to bring unnecessary drama into my life. I am trying - and if she cannot appreciate my efforts to reach out and try to fix what is broken - then she does not deserve to be in my life.

If I won the lottery...

I'd spoil my husband...

 

I'd buy our dream home...

 



And a beach house...

I'd pay off all our debt (student loans, cars, etc.)...

And then travel the world with my husband...

Did I mention quitting my job!? Maybe that should've been first!

Finally, I'd donate to good causes...

You got questions? I've got answers!

So my brain is fried from grad school homework - but I'm trying to find some type of routine with my blogging again. Hence - here you have random questions and meaningless answers!

1. What’s a nickname only your husband calls you?
Babyluv - He started calling me that when we starting dating... and now, eight years later, he still throws it out there from time to time. I still love it...

2. What’s a weird habit of yours?
Lord, where do I begin!? Let's see, I color-code my Skittles and eat them in the order of least favorite (the ones that taste like Lemon Pledge) to most yummy (the orange, of course!) :) Doesn't everybody do this!? What else is weird!? Oh - I have a specific order to getting dressed, which my husband tried to throw a wrench in earlier today! Socks & underwear first, then pants, then bra and finally shirt. Again - doesn't everybody do this!? :P

3. Do you have any weird phobias?
I don't know about phobias but I get really freaked out by supernatural movies. They are interesting and entertaining - but I'm always scared that it's going to bring bad spirits into my life. Like, if I see a demonic movie at the theatre, it's somehow going to come home with me -- or if I watch an exorcism movie at home, it's going to somehow open "pandora's box" of spirits. Is that nutty!?

4. What’s a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you’re alone?
Hmmm... probably ghetto or raunchy rap songs. Like "Can I Get a What-What?" by Jay-Z or "Forgot About Dre" by Dre & Eminem or "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris... 

5. What’s one of your biggest pet peeves?
Drivers who refuse to use their turn signals. Random nail clipping (Honey, I am talking to you!) Obnoxious "look at me" people, arrogant jerks and OMG "Pop tart" cheerleaders chicks.

6. What’s one of your nervous habits?
I pick at my zits or scabs. Or my cuticles. Yep, I am one of those. I also have trouble making eye contact if I am really uncomfortable.

7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? If I am in the bed alone, I'm in the middle. Otherwise, I live on the left!

8. What was your first stuffed animal & its name?
A monkey named Ralph. I still have him in a keepsake box.

9. What’s the drink you ALWAYS order at Starbucks?
I really don't get the big crave with Starbucks. Give me some fro-yo over that mess any day!

10. What’s the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice?
Washing/moisturizing my face. Dang it, I just can't get in a routine of doing it!

11. Which way do you face in the shower? I start facing away from the shower, but I move around.

12. Do you have any ‘weird’ body ‘skills’?
I don't... think... so... (looking at husband) He can wiggle his pecks - but I can't do that :)

13. What’s your favorite ‘comfort food’/food that’s ‘bad’ but you love to eat it anyways? 
Fried chicken! Hmmm... with mashed potatoes! Dang, now I'm hungry! ;)

14. What’s a phrase or exclamation you always say?
"Shut yo face!"

15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing?
A tank and boxers or sometimes pajama pants

Louisville Medium...

I am posting this for no other reason than to document my experience. I feel certain I will not remember these details forever and there may come a time when I want to revisit the messages I received...

Upon sitting down, the medium began his speech and explained the tiers of spirits that typically come through - to distinguish between child, parent, grandparent, etc. Although he advised that most often, the spirit we want to connect with isn't the 1st one to come through, he instantly spoke of a father energy present. I began to cry almost immediately. He went on to speak of an older male & female with the father energy along with a small child. We gathered the couple was mostly likely my dad's mother and father - but it is unclear who the child could be. Perhaps a distant cousin or someone who died as a child long before my dad - but was there to greet his spirit once he passed.

Once the medium settled on my dad, he asked me why my dad was laughing. He asked a couple of times, but I did not understand. Apparently, my dad said I was the last person he ever expected to visit a medium - mostly because I talk to him so often and he feels a strong connection to me already. I guess it's ironic that our connection is strong and yet, I felt the need to seek clarity and answers through a spiritual medium.

One of the first messages I received was an acknowledgement of the relationship with my husband. My dad said I ask him about it all the time and have longed to have his blessing - which he gave during my session. Although I felt in my heart I'd had the blessing long ago, it was good to receive this confirmation.

Next, he spoke of distance - both physical land distance and relationship distance prior to his passing. Both were true, as I hadn't seen or spoken to my dad in five years. He apologized for his role in that and stated he had every intention to reconnect with me at some point. We just never had the chance.

The medium tried several times to go back to the day of my dad's passing - but my dad was reluctant to do so. When I shared it was a suicide, the medium instantly understood, stating that even in the spirit world, it is difficult for loved ones to take responsibility or own up to taking their own life. My dad said something that struck me as odd - he said it was not planned and that he had no concept of dying young. This upset me and I could not wrap my head around how he could say something like that.

The medium continued. He said my father showed him three places: 1. a house where he placed himself, 2. an apartment where a friend (and someone he confided in) lived, and 3. a pull-up roadside motel from a parking lot view. Although he never showed the medium who was inside, it eluded to the fact that his wife may have been cheating and that whatever the connection was amongst these 3 places, they contributed to my dad's state of mind the day he took his own life. Wow. I was dumbfounded. I'd always suspected his wife had done something and/or cheated simply because of how unaffected she was by his death and how seemingly quick she moved on to a new man. This was confirmation that she was, in part, responsible.

The medium acknowledged my dad's mental health condition and said he may have genetically passed it onto a child - a male child. Could it be Pam's son? I don't know. Although my dad had the condition though, it was compacted by the scenario above being played out and a downward spiral ultimately led my dad to kill himself. The medium looked at me and said, "Did your dad shoot himself... in the head?" I was floored by his spot-on accuracy. He went onto to explain the entire surrounding. The fact that my dad crossed over concrete (his driveway) prior to the suicide was significant in that once he crossed over, the decision had been made and there was no turning back. From that point, there is nothing anyone could have said or done to change his mind.

While my dad mentioned several times how often I communicate with him and try to get answers, the medium reiterated that my dad wants to be in the supportive father role, not as a guide of sorts. Case in point: I'd been waffling about what to do about my mom and even during my session, I asked the medium to try to gain insight from my dad about her. He refused. He would not utter a word about my mother and, in fact, he acted as if the medium and I did not mention her and moved onto a new subject. Perhaps it was too painful. Perhaps it was out of a respect. Perhaps he just didn't want to be in the middle of that mess anymore. Some days, I wish I wasn't either.

One of the final major confirmations I received from the medium had to do with a dish/bowl in my home that made me think of my father. I sat there clueless. The medium went onto say that it was a porcelain item (the same material found on a toilet) but it had a rough texture on part of it. I thought about it for a min and then it hit me. In my closet, there is a heart-shaped porcelain dish with a rough texture on its top. Inside is my dad's watch, one of only a few things I have of his. I was amazed at how accurate this portrayal was because only my husband knows about it.

Throughout the session, at times, the medium kind of "took on" my dad's persona. I'd forgotten how vain my dad could be about his hair, his looks, his appearance - and even those around him. One of the things he kept saying throughout the session was, "I still look good!" Yep, that's my daddy... He also cracked on the medium's shoes saying he didn't like them and that they looked cheap. Wow, way to warm up to the medium! At times, I became a bit frustrated with this banter and at a certain point, the medium said, "Your dad says you're getting aggravated with him... but he's only doing this to show you it's really him and not just any "fatherly" spirit. It's to give you confirmation it's really your dad coming through". I think my chin sat open for a few minutes since he read my mind and he explained why this aspect of the session was so important.

At the end of the day, this was an amazing experience. I would never have dreamed I would go to a medium or even believe in their capability to connect with loved ones who have passed. But I honestly believe this medium was the real deal. The session gave me a certain type of closure that had eluded me for 8 years. I know, for sure, my dad is with me. That's all I really needed to know.

MIA

 

My poor blog. It's been so neglected lately. Life just gets in the way sometimes... Between sickness, grad school, work, pregnancy fake-outs - well, a sista is just tired!

 

This week has been uber long. Like every day, I look at the clock and swear it should be like 1-2 hours later than it is. I even took Monday off to have a 3-day weekend and a shorter workweek this week, but that hasn't helped. I'm still exhausted and just... burned out!

 

On another note, I am pretty excited that cooler weather has arrived. I was so sick of hot, humid, sticky weather (especially after enduring over 5 weeks without A/C) No, thank you! I will now change my preference to Fall weather, please and thank you! :) These 70's feel really good!

 

That's all I have. My brain is fried. Here's to getting my blog back on track!



Anxiety is building...

After years of thinking about it and waffling on whether I should, I set up an appointment with a medium. Like many, I am a bit skeptical about how much they actually "know" and how much they draw out of you. There are fakes and phonies, that's for sure... But I do believe there are mediums who... have a gift...

I researched a few prior to our weekend trip to Nashville. But I couldn't get an appointment with one there. So, I looked into some in/around Louisville. Although I found a few, this guy in particular had an interesting back story and tons of positive reviews on his website and Facebook page. SO - here I go. Tomorrow. I'm nervous. Anxious. Feeling uneasy and unprepared.

I asked what to expect - but there is no such thing as a "typical" reading. He answered my questions as best he could, but honestly, I guess I won't know what it's like until I am there. Thank goodness my husband has decided to come with me... I'm not sure if I would be able to go through this without him...

To tell you the truth, I am terrified. What if I don't get the answers I am looking for? What if this doesn't bring the closure I hope it will? What if my dad's spirit just doesn't come through at all? For so long, I've felt he was with me - through signs, songs, smells... what if I was just imagining it all and wrong the whole time? (Yes, this is me second-guessing myself).

Breathe. Just breathe. 1 more day until we see if this medium is legit.

Impromptu road trip!

My hubby and I were talking last week, just shooting the breeze when he said, "hey, why don't we take a roadtrip this weekend!?" Ummm, ok! Twist my arm!

Next was deciding where to go. We only had the weekend, so it would need to be some place close. In the end, we decided on Nashville...

Long ago, a road trip to Nashville was carefree, exciting and easy going. While this trip was those things to some degree, there was an underlying, almost dread, once we got there. For us, Nashville is filled with bittersweet memories. While at one time, it was the symbol of a fresh start of us, it turned out to be a heartbreaking time filled with struggles and hopelessness. As I drove down I-65 listening to my husband snore in the passenger seat, more and more of these memories were flooding into my brain. Several times over the course of the weekend, we talked about "what ifs" and pondered how our life could be drastically different with one change in decision, one small turn on the path...

We did enjoy our time away though. We visited a few wineries and hit one of our most favorite dinner places from when we lived in Murfreesboro. It was amazing... still... I really wish Demos would come to Louisville! :( We also stopped to visit a girl I worked with when I lived there. I used to call her friend... now I can just call her "a girl I worked with". It was surface, non-meaningful BS. Basically, a waste of 2 hours. It's sad to realize that someone you thought cared about you only did so when you were in their face all of the time. Now I was merely an acquaintance and made to feel as such. After what we did before my wedding, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. If someone backs out as your maid of honor via email 5 months before the wedding - then RSVPs "no" and doesn't come to the wedding at all - those are not the actions of a true friend.

Anyways - it was nice to get away. It took us four years to travel back to Nashville - and quite honestly - it might be that long before we go back. Our experience living there holds more negatives than positives and well, visiting there only rehashes a time we would prefer not to relive. So, Nashvegas, maybe we'll see ya, maybe we won't (unless you bring back the Chicken Shack -- and then we'll be back in a hurry!!)

 

 

Blogmopolitan Quiz

Finish the sentence...

When I open the fridge, I always hope I find... a cold beverage! Perhaps some fresh sweet tea or Crystal Light Kool-Aid! (especially the orange flavor!)

My favorite article of clothing is... pajama pants! I swear I can't wait to get home to put them on every day :P

Last week I was really pissed when... I found out our new cell phone company charged us a double bill without telling us... And that our warranty company refused to reimburse any of the out of pocket expenses on our A/C repair.

One thing nobody understands about me is... My sensitivity. My poor husband tries to understand it, but sometimes, my emotions are all over the place - particularly as it relates to grieving my dad and battling frustration over my mom.

One thing I don't understand is... how people could leave their small children or pets in a hot a$$ car!? Like, are you really that forgetful, totally oblivious or have no inkling of care/concern for anybody but your damn self!? #rantover

 

The world would be a better place if... gas was under $3.00? Eh, it would help, but no. Maybe some extra paid vacation days? That'd be nice too. Maybe if people just stayed in their lane and stopped judging what other people are doing. Yeah... that's my answer ;)

If I had a million dollars I'd... buy a nice house and a vacation condo on the beach.

 

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be... the fact that I let little things get to me and let them affect my whole day. I need to stop letting dumb sh$t steal my joy.

Something that can always make me happy is... puppies! (And ice cream!) :P

Something I'll never blog about is... the murder I committed last week! LOL! Ooops! Cat's outta the bag now! :P

If I could go anywhere I would go (because)... I would love to go Hawaii. It's so darn expensive though! Some day... maybe for our 25th wedding anniversary or something. Geeez, how old will I be then!? :P

If I were an animal, I would be a... a spoiled dog... one that gets treats and gets to take car rides and naps. Yeah, that's livin!

A job I've always wanted... When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher. A part of me still thinks that would be a nice job - although I'm not sure I could handle the crap that today's teachers have to deal with.

My idea of a perfect day is... one that I can spend with my husband... watching movies under a blanket at home or having a lil' date night out. If there is ice cream involved, even better! :)

Friday letters

dear cold/flu/sinus infection: I am totally over you right now. You have made my week so very exhausting and I just want to feel better! Please go away soon so I can enjoy this nice 3-day 4th of July weekend... 

 

dear "penny": Please don't break down on me anymore. Ever since your little episode in the middle of the expressway last week, I've been so paranoid to drive you anywhere, even to work. I keep looking over the steering wheel, squinting and flinching as if at any moment, the check engine light is going to come on and you are going to die again. Please don't die... I bought you for a reason... because I needed a reliable, dependable car. Imagine that!

dear grad school: Thank you for giving me a week off from the madness. My brain is so fried after the double course craziness and I just need a chance to get my bearings. Plus it'll be nice to enjoy a weekend minus homework. I'd almost forgotten what that was like!

 

dear bathtub: I miss you. With it being so hot in our condo, it's been way too long since my last soak... Hopefully soon... my tired, achy body needs it in the worst way!

dear hvac and the numerous contractors who've attempted to tackle you: Where did you come from? Are you from Mars? Why did it take seven (yes, SEVEN) contractors before someone had a clue how to even take you apart and try t diagnose why we have no air!? It's been a big mess --- I'm just praying the latest contractor and his crew can finally get you cooling today. I'm so tired of being hot... and not being able to do "normal" things in my own home because of it being hot...

 

dear wine: Where are you? I need you! Too bad you only make me hotter when I drink you... Otherwise, I may have drank my wine rack away over the last few weeks.

dear warranties (home & auto): You are a flippin joke. Truly. It's so awesome to have a home warranty send multiple HVAC guys out who don't have a clue how to fix my A/C. Fantastic! What's even better is that the companies I've talked to who DO have a clue don't work with you --- because you don't pay them. Out of 4 separate repairs we've needed since we bought the condo, you have covered ONE. As a frustrated homeowner, you SUCK a$. It's also awesome to have an auto warranty that doesn't 'technically' cover the issue with my car - even though the temp tags were still on it. Oh - and said warranty was ZERO help when I was sitting on the side of the expressway last week. As a fed-up car owner, you SUCK a$ too.

 

dear husband: You are the only bright spot in my crazy world right now. Thank you for keeping cool about all of the madness going on around us and for doing your best to keep me sane as well. Who knew I'd be the hothead and you'd be the calm one?! :P I love you and appreciate all you do.

 

dear life: Please get better soon.

 

 

Still no air - but hopefully a lil closer to relief!

Even though our A/C didn't get fixed today, the guy at least knew how to take it apart and test the necessary components to diagnose an issue. Apparently it just needs to be drained and cleaned thoroughly. He did a partial clean today, but said he'd need to come back with reinforcements to pull the thing apart and do a more thorough clean. Unfortunately, what he did today didn't help our A/C, but at least he didn't charge us. It will probably be Thursday before he can get back out to us - but if we've been a month without air already, a few more days isn't going to kill us :/

I'm thankful my husband is keeping his "cool" (no pun intended) and keeping me semi-sane. I'm thankful for the cheap window unit we bought for our bedroom and the one my boss let me borrow for our living area. 72-75 degrees is much better than 90. Shooooo! 

I am just ready for life to be normal again. No A/C problems, no car problems, no job problems... just me and my boo smooth sailing and working on building our family... Yeah, can I get that asap - please and thank you! 

Life is chaotic!

I could lie and say I haven't had time to blog lately... But the truth is, I haven't been in the mood to write about anything. I can barely get motivated to do homework these days. 

Life is chaotic! The car I bought at the end of April has now been in the shop multiple times already. It even got us stranded in the middle of the freeway this past week, which brought the car thing to a whole new low. I was frankly ready to give the keys back to the dealer and ask for my money back so I could go get a car elsewhere. It's been ridiculous -- But I hope and pray that this is finally resolved and that 'Penny' will not be sick anymore for a lonnnnnng while.

In other news, the A/C is broken in our condo. The condo we just bought in Feb. We started running the air in April, I think, and on the warmer days, it seemed the thermostat couldn't keep up with the temp we had it set on. We'd set it on 70 and in the middle of the afternoon, it'd be 80 in there. Not acceptable. So, after Memorial Day weekend, we bit the bullet and contacted our home warranty company to come take a look. What a joke! Now, a month later, they have sent 2 companies and about 6 different contractors and no one has been able to fix our A/C. Part of that is because we apparently have a unit from the stone ages. But rather than research or try to figure out something they are unfamiliar with, they just keep passing the buck. Meanwhile, we are hot - and now basically confined to our bedroom after we broke down and bought a small window-unit to get us through. I am beyond frustrated. On Friday, I finally made some headway and found the company we think actually installed the A/C units when our condo was under construction. The only catch is - we have to pay out of pocket because they don't deal with home warranty companies. Why? Because they never get paid. What a shocker! With an appointment set for Monday, I am crossing fingers, toes, eyes... whatever I can, that they figure out what's wrong and that we have enough money to pay to fix it!

Such a mess. My head is spinning and I'm sure my blood pressure has been through the roof lately. Lucky for me, I have a husband who is surprisingly calm and doing his best to keep me composed. Hopefully this cluster of storms is on its way out! 

Wordless Wed