"Don't let anyone dull your sparkle..."

For weeks now, I have been stressed beyond belief. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I've been searching for a way to relieve the pressure. <sigh> As my mother-in-law would say, "The Devil is alive and he'll come at you from all angles. You just gotta stay strong!" I am doing my best to be strong and hold out hope that things are going to get better soon, but some days, it's exhausting...

 



 

 

I've been allowing the people I work with and the drama at the office wear me down and steal my joy. But I refuse to continue that way. I deserve better... And if I can't receive the appreciation and support I desire, why should I stay? Exactly. I shouldn't. Which is why I gathered up enough strength to post my resume and see what was out there for me. I took a chance. A leap of faith. The question is: Will it pay off?

 

So far, there are two prospects. I had a phone interview yesterday for an Analyst job and even though I felt a bit deflated by some of the line of questioning, they are still moving forward and have requested a face-to-face interview on 6/12. The other job is an HR position super close to home and more in line with what I want to be doing careerwise. I completed some prescreen questions the night before last but because of my minimal experience in areas like retention and unemployment, I thought I had blown my shot altogether. At least until the lady called me last night. When I returned her call this morning, she asked me to come in tomorrow around 5:30 to complete an application and speak with her about the position. I don't want to read too much into that or get my hopes up, but doesn't the application part only come if they are serious about hiring you? Crossing my fingers!!

 

If the job offer comes and the salary/benefits are right, I'll have to jump. While I wasn't prepared for things to happen so quickly, I definitely need to make a change sooner rather than later. I feel like this place is killing my spirit. It's definitely stressing me out and forcing me to crawl into a shell just to get through the day. That's not me. I need to be able to pay the bills and provide for my family, but I also desire to have job satisfaction and contribute where my work will be appreciated again.

Another Wordless Wednesday!

 

Tired Tuesday...

 

After a nice long weekend, it's tough to be motivated to do anything today. I think Tuesday is the new Monday this week. (growl) At least I got a little break from the office and separation from my boss after the happenings of last week.

The anger has subsided. The hurt has slowly lessened. And now, I just don't care.

I have no desire to make nice or exchange pleasantries. I have no desire to bust my ass or do any more work than what is required to earn my paycheck. This is the "All Business, No Friendship" or "All Work and No Play" version of Crystal.

Like it or hate it, this new work environment brought it on. My boss is probably not going to like that I don't turn my chair around to chit chat with her when she comes into my work area. Call me focused. Call it "paying extra attention to my work". Call it whatever you want, but we are boss and employee now. We are no longer friends. That was destroyed along with my job satisfaction or desire to do whatever it took to make things happen. A little item I refer to as a "Performance Action Plan" forever changed the way I look at my job here.

 

Gone are the days when I at least felt appreciated by my boss. It would have been nice for the company to recognize my efforts, but it satisfied me enough that my boss was in my corner and recognized them. That made me loyal. That made me want to do more. But now ---

 

I'm tired. I just want to get back home to my husband and enjoy our week of memories from a year ago. I can hardly believe we'll be married a year this Sunday. Thank God for my precious husband. He keeps me sane. He is the reason I wake up each morning and deal with BS all day. I can't imagine my world without him and I'm so blessed I am able to call him my husband.

 

"Free Your Mind" Friday?!

• I'm still mad. And upset. So a "Happy Friday" is already a miserable one... at least until I can leave the office.
• I am afraid of the unknown. What if I get a job offer elsewhere? I'll be starting all over at ground zero again. Learning a brand new job. Learning brand new processes and procedures. Learning how to interact with a brand new group of people. The thought of it kinda overwhelms me.
• I want to do what is best for my family. Jumping jobs right now when I am the sole income is not a very smart thing to do. BUT-if the job pays better and will make us more comfortable going forward, is the jump worthwhile?

• Phone interviews scare me. In fact, ALL interviews scare me. I never know what to expect. Even as much as I try to prepare, I never feel prepared enough. Lord, give me the right words to say today and lead me beyond my own capabilities.
• The Friday before a nice long 3-day weekend always DRAGS. I think companies should make it a 3 1/2 day weekend and let their employees have Friday afternoon off with pay. Yep, if I was the boss, that's what I'd do. (Too bad, I am not)
• Why didn't I take a personal day today?! (Oh yeah, because I'm not allowed to unless I cover my prior commitments ahead of time and ensure all of my work duties are covered in advance... BLAH BLAH BLAH!) A personal day is a personal day. They are allowed to be unexpected and without warning, contrary to what my boss believes.

• Yep. That's what I need. A "personal mental health day". Right. Then they would try to fire me because I was crazy. They already think I sleep on the job. And change bank deposit numbers to keep from balancing totals. And a list of other CRAP. Ughhh! Did I mention that I am still mad!?

 

• Maybe three days away will make it better. I am looking forward to spending time with my husband. We don't have much planned, so it will be nice. I want to get our apartment cleaned up early Saturday, but after that, it will be playtime!



Truly. Fed. Up.

Ever had one of these?

What about one of these?

I may not have endured an actual slap to the face or sucker punch to my stomach, but I definitely took a beating today. I feel betrayed and misunderstood and well, I just don't know how I am going to continue to interact with this person on a daily basis. I feel stupid for allowing myself to get close enough to my boss that I actually believed we were friends. I thought she would look out for me. I thought she had my back. I actually thought she "got me". She came in, took her time to encourage and mentor me, and she won me over enough to trust her with my friendship. I expected there would be times when she'd need to be a boss and not my friend -- but never did I expect her to flip the switch or abandon our friendship altogether.

She called an impromptu meeting with me this afternoon under the pretense of discussing my career path/goals. What it turned into was a talk to me about things I am not doing correctly or ways I am not meeting her expectations, complete with goals on how I need to fix each item. Two pages worth of BS. It left space for my comments and my signature on the back to be revisited within the next 60 days. So--basically, this was a performance action plan. Crystal doesn't do "performance action plans". Those are for people who don't do their job. Those are for people who skate by doing the bare minimum and need to shape up or get shipped out. Those are for people who have no work ethic, no drive, no passion, no desire, no pride at all in what they do. Really!?!?!?!?!

Oh, how I wish this worked. How I wish I could erase what happened today and all of these negative things I am feeling. If that discussion was supposed to motivate me, it had the opposite effect. I wanted to walk out. Straight up. Right then. If she can't appreciate how much I have busted my ass, then I shouldn't be there. That certainly means I shouldn't go to work with pneumonia to help get through a restructuring, or take work home on the weekends to ensure payroll system implementation goes off without a hitch, or do anything but the bare friggin minimum to earn my paycheck on the 10th & 25th. Lord knows, this means I am totally getting screwed on my bonus next month too. 

It's official. I need a new job. With the quickness. This place is sucking all of the fun, energy and joy from my life. When I first starting working there, you'd hear laughter in the hallway and people chatted in my work area about life, work, whatever. Now there's nothing. Silence. Morale is dying and I refuse to go down with it. Pray for me and cross your fingers that a good opportunity comes my way soon. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I'm nearing the end of my rope. Lord, give me strength...

ABCs of Me...

I've done an A-Z post before but figured I'd do a different spin on it so that any new faces around these parts can get to know me a little better. Here goes...

 A - Available or married?
 Married with JOY!! :)

 

 B- Book?
No, thank you!

C- Cake or Pie?
 Cake! Cupcakes are even better! :)

 

D- Drink of Choice?
Iced Tea, no lemon!

E- Essential Item?

My camera!



 F- Favorite Color?
  Yellow!

  G- Game to play or watch?
 Jeopardy.

H- Hometown?
 Louisville, KY

I- Indulgence?
 Sweets! Cookies, cupcakes, brownies, ooo la la!

 J- Job?
 Currently I am a "payroll administrator", but I'm thinking there's gotta be more for me than this...
 

 
K- Kids and names?
 Working on it! Names already chosen though. Lena MacKenzie, Victoria Leigh, Damon Vincent, Lukas Christian (that gives us 2 girl and 2 boy names to play with!)


           L- Life is incomplete without?
 Love!



M- Movie(s)?
 I love movies!!! Everything from Sound of Music, Grease, Liar Liar, The Wedding Planner & Bringing Down the House
 

 




N- Number of siblings?
Zero!

 

 O- Oranges or apples?
Apples. Less messy!

P- Phobias/Fears?
Bugs. Heights sometimes. Disappointing people I love. Not succeeding.

 

Q- Favorite Quote?
 “People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel” Love Maya Angelou!

 



R- Reason to Smile?
 My husband. He is the love of my life.



S- Season?
 Spring. After the allergies stop and the weather decides to stay warm.

  T- Tattoos?
 I have 3.

 

 U- Unknown fact about me?
 I tried out for American Idol but didn't make it past the cattle call :(

 

 V- Vegetable you love? Potatoes! 

 

W- Worst habit?

Worrying :(
 

X- X-Rays you've had?
 Dental, CT Scan, Ultrasound

Y- Your favorite food?
 Good pizza!
 

Z- Zodiac?
Aquarius

 

Wordless Wednesday...