Confession...

I have been in a serious funk. Evidently it's lasted a month since I see my last blog entry was back on Feb. 8th. Wow.

February has never been a particularly good month for me. My dad's birthday is on the 2nd. When he was alive but not in my life, it would make me sad to think about him and the million reasons why he should have been in my life. Since he's been gone, it makes me sad to think of what might have been... if at some point, we got our ducks in a row and tried to have a normal father-daughter relationship. My birthday is on the 6th and as I get older, those become less and less significant, it seems. This year, money was so tight that we barely could afford a dinner out to celebrate. Long gone are the days of having a nice party or taking a trip to celebrate birthdays...

Work has been stressful. Really stressful. And I'm overwhelmed and fed up with office politics in every sense of the word. I find myself coming home at the end of the workday and jumping right into the shower, as if to wash away the grime, grit and grunge of the day. Some days it works, others it does not... but that is not something I've ever done before. I'm definitely at a crossroads and looking for answers on where to go from here. I need a slap-me-upside-the-head sign though because subtle hints are not enough for me to take a leap of faith. As I was researching last week and trying to figure out what I am "worth" to my current employer, I came across a job posting that interested me. I passed it up though and focused on the research at hand. Until yesterday--when a friend/old colleague emailed me about the exact same job and asked for my resume. I bit the bullet and sent it to her... I don't have anything to lose if they don't call. If they do, I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

One bright spot this week has been "Soft Space". It's a private Facebook group started by my friend, Tracye, whom I met during my time in Nashville. She's a very spiritual woman with a heart for encouraging others and sharing freely what's on your heart. In just the last few days, with a group of about 12 women, I've started exploring my heart and the things that wear me down. We've been journeying back to our inner child and exploring the things we dreamed of, the things we lacked, the things we still carry and need to heal from. Already it has been eye-opening. Already it has allowed me to purge and release some of Crystal that has been bottled up and tucked away for too long. Between that and this blog, I hope I can become a stronger woman, a better friend and more awesome wife.

Friday Letter

dear life: Can you please give me a flippin' break!? I thought this was supposed to be the start of a great year. #epicfail  dear bank: I loathe you. I would be much happier if we could start paying with Monopoly money... Yes please!

 

dear 32: Why have you forsaken me!? dear 33: Please be gentle.

 

 

dear awesome coworker: Thank you for guessing that I was going to turn 20-something this week. Even if you were just kidding, it made the transition to double 3 a little easier. dear mom: Thanks for totally ignoring my birthday for about the 5th year in a row. If you keep pretending I don't exist, maybe one day, I will finally write you off and you won't have a daughter anymore.

 

write-off (noun)
Defined as ---> A person or thing that is given up as hopeless or pointless

dear jammies: Please tell me we have a date tonight. I need you and my bottle of Moscato! dear beach: I miss you. I am going through serious withdrawals. I really need to visit soon. It's been WAY too long!

 

 

dear husband: I love you. I don't know how you put up me sometimes. I stress about everything and rarely seem to find time to do what you're always telling me to do... Relax! I am grateful for every day you love me in spite of myself. dear baby in my belly: Oh wait, you STILL aren't there. That's probably a good thing with all the financial mess going on. But I hope you will bless us with your presence soon. The hubby and I have a lot of extra love to give a special little person.