Wordless Wednesday

 

And the results are...

After all of the turmoil with my boss and the possibility of my job on the line if I did not take action, I underwent a sleep study. I knew I had been tired. I knew my energy level was negative 0. I knew I often drifted off or fell asleep if I sat still too long at home. But I was not prepared for the study or what it would ultimately find.

I received a voicemail last Wed. from the nurse stating that the doctor had read my study and she was calling to give me the results. When I called back, she rattled off some details and my head started to spin. I was like "Hold up! Did I HEAR you right!? Can you repeat that again?" So, for the study, they measure your respiratory interruptions per hour. If you are A-ok, you should have less than 5. If they consider you "severe", you'd have over 30. I had 157. Holy cannoli! She went onto say that ideally, a person's oxygen level should stay above 90%. I recall when I had pneumonia last winter, it was below 70 and doctors were about to slap me in the hospital. Ready for this? During my night of study, my oxygen level got all the way down to 48%. Yep, basically I am dead-girl-walking. I say that jokingly, but I am honestly lucky to be here, walking around and functioning at all with numbers like that. The nurse said she would call in an order for a sleep apnea machine --- and then on Thursday, I picked up the dreaded C-Pap.

 

Mind you, it's not loud like a vacuum cleaner as I expected. But the mask looks like I am getting CPR and it has to be strapped to my head. The first night, I laid on my back in the same position all night. The second night, I tried falling asleep on my side. Since then, it's taking some adjustment. Especially for my back. It misses the days when I could sleep on my belly. It's not used to the position I am sleeping in or the fact that I stay in that position for most of the night now. I guess I will get used to it eventually... The important thing is: It's working. Even after only a few days, I can feel a difference. Going to the grocery store after work (or just the thought of it) doesn't wipe me out. I was up this weekend, doing a few household chores, cooking for my husband, not sitting on the couch nodding off. It's nice to have a bit energy again... I might actually be able to get back in the gym which will be nice.

I still think my boss went about things the wrong way. But, I am thankful I was pushed into doing the sleep study. The C-Pap guy said I was going to feel like a brand new woman, and he was right!

Next step: Get my husband tested!

Then and Now...

Then (2007)

Now (2013)

 
LOL! Why do you have the EXACT same face in BOTH of these pictures!? My silly boo... I think we’ve aged quite a bit – What do you think!? Will you still love me when my hair turns grey??

Almost 6 years together now. Married for a little over 1. Are you sick of me yet!? It seems like a lifetime ago that we met, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Our journey has been interesting, to say the least, but we've become a stronger couple because of the things we've shared and the ups/downs we have faced.

You are a wonderful husband.
Every day I tell myself that it isn't possible for me to love you anymore than I already do... And then you prove me wrong :) Thank you for filling my days with giggles and my nights with snuggles.

You’ll always be my moonbeam… I love you forever and ever ‘til the end of time…

If you REALLY knew me, you'd know...

- that I wear my heart on my sleeve
- that I have intense anxiety and I worry ALOT!
- that I don't eat cheese. Stop looking at me weird! It's true!
- that I love puppies and wish so much I could have one
- that since I was little, I've always wanted to be a wife and mother
- that I turn into Jackie Chan when I sleep ;)
- that I am a major homebody
 -that I love movies, especially funny ones!
 -that the beach is my happy place
- that I secretly hate being the chunky girl all the time
- that it takes me a while to warm up to people before I really trust them
- that I love to laugh and be really silly
- that I can cry at the drop of a hat. Especially if I am PMSing
- that I can be really indecisive. It drives my husband crazy sometimes
- that I want nothing more than to be happy :)
- that I can be selfish and spoiled sometimes
- that my husband, friends and family are very important to me
- that failure is my best fear in life
- that I often have nicknames for people. I don't know why ;)  
- that God is important to me. He has brought me through
- that I am not a big fan of flying
- that I've been out of the country (and not just to Mexico)
- that I hate bugs. Any kind. And rats. And roaches. Basically anything creepy crawly!
- that I am a hopeless romantic, but never thought I'd really find 'the one'
- that I LOVE cupcakes. And cookies. And Skittles. Yep, I have a sweet tooth!
- that I hate to read. I have never been a fan
- that I rarely eat despite what my body portrays. Wish I could eat like the skinny girls!
- that blood grosses me out
- that it takes a lot for me to open up to people
- that yellow is my favorite color. Blue is a close second
- that bubble baths relax me. I really miss having a tub to take long baths
- that I can be so random (I think I get it from my husband) :P
- that music has a way of expressing what my words cannot
- that I think about those I've lost -- every. single. day...
- that I worry I might not be able to have kids of my own
- that I can be incredibly stubborn
- that elephants are my favorite animal. Not sure when that happened, but I'm hooked!
- that I am very detail-oriented
- that I am my own worst critic
- that someday, I hope to adopt or foster children to extend our family
- that I hate fake people
- that I was on dating websites before I met my husband
- that I met my husband on one of those sites. It was more of a hookup site :/
- that I have a horrible poker face
- that I always wanted to be athletic but I'm too clumsy - and too chunky
- that divorce scares me. I don't want to be one of THOSE couples
- that I always wanted to be a singer
- that I am a really bad liar, especially if I really love you
- that sometimes, I am afraid of the dark. Particularly after scary movies
- that I love being married. And I adore my husband. He really does complete me

Currently...

READING  The latest celebrity news. Classmates' posts on motivation. Reports for work.

WRITING  Emails, this blog and whatever else I can do to pass the time til 5:00. 

LISTENING  Carrie Underwood channel on Pandora. Weird that I hit a country music mood. It's good once in a blue moon, I s'pose. As long as it's comtemporary stuff and not that whiny-i shot my dog-my brother slept with my wife-now I'm gonna drink myself to death-kinda muzack!

 

THINKING  About ALOT. My good friend's wedding is tomorrow so I am excited for her special day. I had a crazy week complete with a sleep study and now I must get used to sleeping with a machine for sleep apnea. No bueno. Thinking about my future with Rodney, wondering about job changing, children and what God's plan is for us. And giving some thought to weight loss and possibly attending a seminar on the Lapband procedure. I've always been heavy. I'm tired of it. I want to live a long life with my husband. I want to be the sexiest wife possible and a healthy mommy to carry our children -- and once the kids are older, an active one who has tons of energy and is as fun on the exterior as she is on the inside. It's making me think. Even about my husband and I doing it together, if he wants to. I know he is not as secure about his body as he wants to be and he has some health concerns because of his family history. But if we do it -- if we get a clean slate, we gotta stick to it.

SMELLING  This wonderful candle from Bath & Body Works. Cranberry Pear Bellini. It smells so nice. Often it gets so musty in this horrible work cubicle area they call "Cubicle City" so I've been lighting up my candles and spraying Febreze whenever I have a chance!

 

 

 

WISHING  I knew where to go from here. So many uncertainties and unknowns in our world right now. Might be time to get on the knees and seek out some answers.

HOPING  For a great weekend. I am sure the wedding will be nice tomorrow. I just want to enjoy my time off from work and cherish the precious moments I have with my husband. As much as I would like to take a trip or go someplace for the weekend, I am realizing once again that our time is special, regardless of where we are or what we're doing. As long as we are together.

 

 

WEARING  My stretchy "fat girl" pants. I am so frustrated about pants right now. After trying to snazz up the wardrobe and get some hella cute, professional dressy pants, I couldn't get any of them to fit. It was A-ok til it came time to button the mutha#%$%^$. I went ahead and bought them because they were close enough that I thought they'd fit if my stomach wasn't full. Not. At least not without giving me a muffin top or cutting off my breathing. I'm so tired of this.

LOVING The sunshine. It was nice to get out of the building and go to lunch with my husband today. It is amazing what seeing him in the middle of the day does for my spirit.

WANTING To feel comfortable in my own skin. It's one thing to be "thick". It's another thing to be obese and unhealthy. I know my husband loves me regardless -- but I am just not happy with what I see in the mirror anymore.

 

 

NEEDING To start going back to the gym. This would be a start. But even my boo goes to the gym and he can't seem the drop the weight he wants to. We don't eat that much or that bad... which is why I am even considering an alternative at this point.

FEELING A little run down. I don't think I have caught up on my sleep from the sleep study night. I've got stuff to do when I get home though. I need to find some energy somewhere. Need to quit slacking, straighten up the apartment and get my paper written for class.

CLICKING Around... trying to pass the time... I could be so much more productive if I was at home right now. <sigh>

 

Suicide is real...

In the aftermath of hearing about a celebrity suicide, I look around to see if anyone is noticing how often this is happening. Gia Allemand was on The Bachelor a few years back. I clearly remember her because I thought she was one of the prettiest girls who have ever been on the show. But more than that, she had the personality of the girl next door. She had a sweet spirit and seemed like the perfect catch for a great guy and a cool chick to be friends with. It was almost like she didn't realize how beautiful she was. Maybe she truly didn't...

Stories are emerging with details of how she struggled with demons, tried to always get attention from the guys and was seemingly looking for something she never quite found. It's sad. You never know the inner demons people are wrestling with, even the most beautiful people. You never know the pain people are struggling to overcome, even when it seems they 'have it altogether'. 

It isn't just celebrities. Real people are taking their own lives. A coworker's fiance just recently had an uncle commit suicide. He was with family in the days before. He and his family had just RSVP'd to attend this friend's wedding. And yet, in the blink of an eye, his life was over. My father made the same choice almost 7 years ago. He's spoken to his wife on the phone about what was for dinner that night. He went to the drug store and got a flu shot. And then, in the blink of an eye, his life was over.

We'd like to think there are signs along the way and sometimes, there are. Other times, we just have to recognize the red flags on our own... If we wait for someone to call us to tell us they're going to commit suicide, chances are, they will be gone before we ever get the chance to help them.

Suicide is real and it is taking too many precious lives. I was interested to see what scripture said about suicide and those who choose to end their lives. Here is what I found:

“Suicide is a grave sin equivalent to murder (Exodus 20:13; 21:23), but it can be forgiven like any other sin. And Scripture says clearly that those redeemed by God have been forgiven for all their sins–past, present, and future (Colossians 2:13-14). Paul says in Romans 8:38-39 that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Life is hard, that's no secret. But God never gives us more than we can handle. I truly believe that. Besides, He is with us through EVERYTHING. In my darkest hour, when I was near the door of suicide, God called to me and promised He would bring me through whatever was bringing me down. And He did. Because He is faithful. Had I thrown in the towel and given up any of the times I contemplated, I would be missing out on this beautiful world I wake up to everyday.

I am SO thankful for God's love. And I am SO thankful He brought me through those storms. I now have a wonderful husband and we are looking to grow our family soon... these are beautiful things I might have missed if I had let the demons win. There is always hope. There is hope in Jesus.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Wordless... Wednesday...