My husband and I had a pretty long talk last night. I am not sure what it started it really. Perhaps it was some of the things we'd each read separately over the past few weeks related to relationships and marriage. It is eyeopening to see what other people think of relationships and, perhaps, even what they perceive ours to be (not that we really care).
The first topic: A Facebook post I read last week that said, "If a couple doesn't fight, they have too many secrets". I immediately thought of us. We rarrrrrely fight. We bicker sometimes, but even that doesn't happen very often. Does that mean we have too many secrets? Then, my brain couldn't transmit the words to my mouth fast enough... HELL NO! My husband and I don't fight because we make a conscious choice not to. Each of us had prior relationships centered on distrust, arguing and drama, so we have no desire to make that the focus of our marriage. Life is too short to bicker and fight all the time. Besides that, we love each other enough to talk things out, even when we don't agree on a particular thing. As my husband says, you can be "right" or you can be happy. It means more to us to be happy together than it does to be right about something trivial. As for secrets, they are harmful to any relationship, especially a marriage. To assume that we have too many simply because we don't fight is... well, ignorant...
The second topic: My husband was reading a social media site yesterday which offered up the question of whether or not a spouse should be given a second chance if they are caught cheating. My initial instinct was HELL NO! But, if I think about my husband specifically, I don't know that I can definitively say that I would not work through something like that. That would greatly depend on my level of devastation and if I could move past it enough to give him a second chance. Hypothetically speaking, I just cannot say. Because my husband and I have been watching Marriage Boot Camp lately, we began talking about Hank & Kendra from the show. While Hank is accused of cheating while Kendra was pregnant, my husband and I agree that several other things factored into the infidelity and issues in their marriage. Hank doesn't necessarily have a realistic view of himself or his relationship. If he cannot change his perspective and begin to see things through a new lens, there is a high probability that he could cheat again. On the other hand, Kendra does not listen. A wife who does not listen to her husband or even take a personal interest in him is bound to cause issues in the marriage. Although none of this justifies the infidelity, it does show how a breakdown in communication can cause even bigger problems down the road, if not rectified.
The third topic: How can we, as a married couple, protect our relationship and prevent outside forces from jeopardizing what we have? We have witnessed many marriages, even long-term ones, go up in flames after 10, 15, 20 years. Were their relationships just different from ours? Did they not love each other enough to work through their differences? I just think back to my wedding day and the love I felt in my heart. If every bride and groom feels that way, how can it be lost so easily? That's not to say that mismatches and bad marriages don't occur. They totally do... and the couples are better when they eventually end the marriage... But generally speaking, if a couple's biggest problem is communication, quality time or splitting household or kid duties, they should be able to work through those things and keep the relationship strong. Just sayin'!
Finally, today on Facebook, I read the following post:
I guess that is the answer. We should not compare our marriages to others just as they should not compare theirs to ours. While some couples may need to battle it out for supremacy, we choose a more peaceful, loving approach most of the time. While some couples may feel the need to be right, we just want to be happy. Our marriage is unique and different. It is ours. We make our own rules and, after eight years together and three of it married, we must be doing something right :)
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