Webster's dictionary defines family as "a group of people who are related to each other". The Urban dictionary defines family as "a bunch of people who hate each other and eat dinner together". Neither of these are complete. And neither gives any insight as to how families should interact with one another. So how do we know what the standard is or what our family relationships should be?
As I get older, I grow more disgusted with the whole notion of family. It's dysfunctional. It's fake. It's more clique-ish than a group of high school girls. People don't mean what they say or say what they mean...
Examples? You want examples? Well, how much time do you have!?
1. Father - Bounced in and out of my life. Looking back, he had some good reasons for staying away, thanks to my mother. There were many attempts to have a father/daughter relationship, but he never seemed to follow-through. He'd come around for a while, leave for a few years and then pop up again one day. When he passed, I hadn't seen or spoken to my dad in 5 years. I'd always hoped we would be able to find a way to have a relationship someday - but that chance is gone forever.
2. Father's Family (Grandmother, Aunt, Uncles, Cousins) - Because of the nature of my relationship with my dad, my relationships with his family also suffered. Since his passing, though, they've had every opportunity to reach out, love, and try to establish a connection. They failed at every turn, leaving me out of family gatherings and suggesting we get together without ever putting in effort to make it happen. Just a few weeks ago, my dad's sister got married. I caught wind of it via Facebook and reached out to congratulate her. She sent back a "thank you" reply with nothing else. Then the night before her wedding, she sends me a note that said, "I'm getting married tomorrow at 2:00 at xyz church, if you want to come..." It's not as if she really wanted me to come or even thought I would with a last minute invite. I suppose that was to help her sleep at night... What a way to treat your brother's daughter.
3. Mother - She raised me. At one time, she was my mom and my best friend, as twisted (and co-dependent) as our relationship was. But without rhyme or reason, she turned her back on me. It's been over 2 years since I've heard anything from her and almost 5 since I last saw her. In some ways, I feel like she is trying to replicate what my father did, though I have no clue why. Looking back on all the ways I took care of her and stood by her, it's a hard pill to swallow that she's chosen not to be in my life anymore. Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad and some days, I just miss having a mom.
4. Mother's Family (Grandmother, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) - My mom and her mother had a very up and down relationship. There were times when we'd visit her regularly and other times when my mom wanted nothing to do with her. I never had any established relationships with any of the aunts/uncles/cousins because, well, they were not close. It was a big joke that the family only saw each other when someone got married or when someone died. Yeah, funny joke... sad reality... The last time I saw any of them was at my grandmother's funeral.
5. Husband's Family - My mother in law is there for us, but I can't say the same for the rest of the family. My husband's father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. have always made the excuse that they don't know how to communicate with him. While that may have passed before, it doesn't now. They can reach out to us through me, but they choose not to. Just this weekend, they had a birthday lunch for my husband's grandfather and we knew nothing of it until after the fact. Another cousin who doesn't go to church with the family and rarely comes around got an invite and was there --- but we got nothing. When we see the family, they are up in our face, huggy huggy and wanting to know what's going on in our lives --- but if we don't just show up on our own, we never hear from them. Well, unless they need help moving some furniture or some BS like that.
With all of that, it's surprising I can have any type of healthy, functional relationship. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and I have a group of great friends that are more family than my relatives will ever be. So, that definition of family being "a group of people who are related to each other"...? I think it needs some serious revision!
Here's what I think family is:
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