Dysfunctional... and then some...

I'm so thankful for this space because this is something I can't say on Facebook or really to anyone except my husband. My dad passed in Nov. 2006. For a few months after, his family stayed in touch and included me on family gatherings (like Thanksgiving & Christmas). It was nice, but a bit awkward at times. With having such an off-on relationship with my dad (and his family, by default), it was hard to establish a close bond because of a lack of foundation. At the time of my dad's passing, I hadn't seen any of his family for about 12 years. I appreciated the fact that his family took me in after he passed -- but as time went on, their contact became less and less, then almost non-existent.

A few years later, I got engaged. With my dad not being here and my mom being out of my life, I asked my uncle (my dad's younger brother) to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Initially he said yes, only later to back-out with some BS excuse. My aunt and cousin did attend the wedding - which surprised me, but made me happy nonetheless. Still - I don't hear from any of them. I reach out periodically and suggest getting together for dinner or just to spend some time together, but it never comes to fruition. I just don't get it.

Last year, I got a text from my uncle on Thanksgiving. Then I got a voicemail from my aunt on Christmas. Today, my uncle sent me a text wishing me a Merry Christmas (which spawned this blog). I'm just - frustrated. Why even bother to text or leave voicemails on a holiday if they're not willing to really invest in spending time with me or truly having a family-type relationship!? I was hopeful that after my aunt & cousin came to my wedding, perhaps things would change. Maybe they would welcome me back in and invite me & my husband to holiday dinners. I even sent a message to my cousin a couple weeks ago to ask if there was going to be a family gathering for Christmas. She said 'not that she knew of'. Not sure if I'm just out of the loop or if she just didn't want to say. A few years ago - even before I got married - my dad's other brother made a big stink when I was invited for Christmas dinner. I was instructed to basically come alone (because he doesn't like the fact that my husband is black). I told them pretty frankly that if my husband was not welcome, I would not be attending either. The other uncle and aunt do not share this mentality, but I wonder if my racist uncle is somehow indirectly 'controlling' whether or not I am invited to the holidays. OR, it could just be that I'm not considered family. I don't really know.

It just hurts. I know my husband's family is now my family too, but it really gets to me sometimes that I have none. My mother chooses not to contact me (don't even get me started on that!). My father's family sends a 'Merry Christmas' when they feel like it. It's more than I got when my dad was alive - but I guess I hoped someday, that would change. I always secretly hoped that one day, my dad and I would have a close relationship and I would eventually be a part of their family. He just left the world before that ever had a chance to happen.

I realize that I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family - but geez... Sometimes I just wonder what I did to deserve this! It's tough this time of year particularly. I am thankful for great friends. I am SO blessed with a wonderful husband. It just saddens me that I have no family of my own - my husband shared his family with me, but what did I have to share with him?

I just pray God will remove this hurt, frustration and bitterness from my heart. It really shouldn't be my burden to carry... If other people choose not to have me in their life or don't want to put forth the effort to have a meaningful relationship with me, that is THEIR loss, right?!