34 - blah...

I'm not sure what I thought 34 looked like - but it isn't what I saw in the mirror this morning. I look tired. I feel old. It is not a good feeling.

Usually I am excited when birthdays roll around. But this one... so far, I've been trying to avoid people and forget it's happening today. For the record, it's not working very well.

Don't get me wrong. I am counting my blessings and I'm very thankful for the things I have. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He loves me. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh. He is everything I am not and he makes me better. I have a job that provides for us and we're about to own our 1st home. Things are moving in the right direction.

SO, I'm not sure why I seem to be in a "funk" this morning. I think it's just the realization of getting older. Like I was filling out a random survey the other day and at the end, I had to choose whether I was male/female, white/black and which age group I fell into. On that survey, I selected 18-34. This is the last year I will be in that age group - which is scary. In another year, I'll be classified as 35-49 or something like that. No bueno. I don't like getting older. Perhaps I should've gotten up early this morning to put some make up on this 34 year old face --- but then again, my 34 year old bones would not let me.

And not to beat a dead horse --- but how does a birthday come around once again and the person who gave birth to me doesn't even acknowledge it or seem to care? It will continue to baffle me the way my mother has turned out. It's been almost 5 years since I've seen her and at least 3 since I've heard anything from her... It's impossible to not feel... disappointment or sadness about that.

It's cold out. There's snow on the ground. I guess it's a typical February. It really just makes me want to go home and crawl back in my bed. Maybe I can dream my way into a backwards birthday --- like a "13 Going on 30" moment (only I could be "34 Going on 25") Eh, let's make it 28... that was after I met my husband and it was a good year for both of us ;)

PMS is making me wonky. Sorry for this rambled jumbled mess. I have a lot of things to be thankful for. God is faithful and has blessed me way more than I deserve. I just wish I didn't have to turn another year older today...