In recent months, I have become increasingly aware of how fragile marriage is and how easily it can fall by the wayside or disintegrate right before your eyes. In 2013, the marriage success rate and/or likelihood of divorce is 50%. So, half of all marriages ultimately end in divorce... That's staggering, but sadly, not surprising.
When Rodney and I got engaged, we'd been together for just over 3 years. We had already endured our share of storms and emerged stronger on the other side. During our engagement and even our premarital sessions, we talked about what marriage meant to us, what our individual responsiblities would be in the marriage, our views on finances, children, etc. We even talked about dealbreakers or things that could potentially sabotage our marriage. Don't get me wrong... we did not enter into marriage expecting it to fail, but rather we talked about those things in effort to make ourselves more aware of them and hopefully prevent them from happening.
I remember vividly the Monday before our wedding, I was an emotional wreck, sitting in my cubicle, tears streaming and a million thoughts and fears going through my mind. I kept asking myself, 'How do we make sure we don't end up as a statistic? How can we make sure our marriage lasts? How can we hold onto the feelings we have on our wedding day and make sure we never take one another for granted?" The answer is: You can't. There are no guarantees. That's what makes marriage so scary. I was never, for one second, unsure about Rodney. I knew I loved him, I knew he was the one for me and I knew I could not imagine my world without him.
Neither of us had a great example of healthy relationships or what an ideal marriage should look like - so we knew we'd have to figure it out along the way. Even though we had talked about just about all possibilities, we knew there would be things we could not prepare for. By the time our wedding day rolled around, we had been together for 5 years. It was amazing and one of the best days of our lives -- but our focus was more on the marriage than the actual wedding.
For some friends of mine, I am not sure this was the case. Two different friends of mine, both of which I used to work with, are going through separations/divorces. One of them, Bill, had dated Rhonda on and off for 8 years. Their relationship was very much up and down - but leading up to their wedding, it seemed as if they had figured things out and possibly had a chance of making a marriage last. Not so much. They married in Nov. 2012. By January, they were already discovering that they simply could NOT get along. Bill made an error in judgement and Rhonda refused to try to work through the issue. They went to counseling separately, but that was pretty much a waste of time. She flat out refused to speak to him, go to counseling together or attempt to salvage their marriage. By May, they were separated and by August, she had served him with divorce papers. Even though I knew they had a tumultuous relationship, I'd hoped for a better outcome. It makes me sad to think that their marriage never really had a chance.
Then there is Adam, who ironically happens to be Bill's brother. Just today, he posted a sad breakup song on FB and reading between the lines, I reached out to him to see if he was OK. He's not. He's broken-hearted. He is separating from his wife, who he just married in April 2012. So, in just a year and a half, they've concluded that their marriage is over. I don't know the root cause of it or why they ultimately are deciding to part ways. All he would say is that they are too incompatible and he can't trust her. Incompatible? Honestly, I saw that a mile away. We missed their wedding, but just looking at the photos, something seemed a bit 'off'. And then when I did meet the wife at Bill's wedding in Nov, she was highly snoody and had the personality of a wet noodle. Definitely not what I expected, but as long as he was happy, I was rooting for them. It's funny that they met around the same time as I met Rodney and married just shy of 2 months before us. I'm not sure how they did not figure out the mismatch in their compatibility or why they are not willing to work through the trust issue after so much time has been invested.
I'm just --- amazed. After a year and a half, I can say that I love Rodney even more now than I did the day I married him. Our marriage is definitely not perfect --- but it IS healthy. We talk through things. We respect one another. We encourage one another. We take care of one another. That's what a marriage is... Teamwork. A partnership. There are always bumps in the road, but both people have to be willing to work through those differences, compromise on the challenges and stand together through the battles of life. When all else fails, follow the 3 C's --- Communication, Compromise and Consistency.
I do not claim to be an expert. I am not a professional, by any means. But I do believe that people throw in the towel and give up on marriage way too easily. An old quote says, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for". If you believe in that, then you'll be willing to fight for things that are important to you. The day I said my wedding vows, I meant them. They were not just words for me. I would move mountains, go to the moon and back, lay down my life for my husband. Would you?
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