Most days, I am ok. I go through life, I take care of business and I count my blessings. Most days, I can put my mom out of my mind and not allow her to steal my joy. But Mother's Day is a beast I can't seem to shake.
I tried my best to avoid it. I wanted so badly to skip over it or pretend it didn't exist. But the world (especially Facebook) would not allow me to forget Mother's Day. There were constant posts about "how great my mom is" and "all she has done for me" complete with photos of friends with their supportive mothers. While I rolled my eyes at most of those posts, I was almost envious of what they had.
There was a time -- back in my teens and early 20's -- where I was thankful for my mom and the fact that she raised me. She never hesitated to remind me of all her "sacrifices" and I tried to do everything in my power to show her how I much I appreciated her as a mom. Those days seem like a lifetime ago. I'm different now. Our relationship is different now. It doesn't even exist anymore... and although I cannot take the blame for that, I still have issues letting it go.
This year may have been particularly hard because of the parallel with my dad. When he passed, I hadn't spoken to him or seen him in five years. Strangely enough, this year makes five years since I've seen or spoken to my mom. It isn't for lack of trying to contact her but more of, she's turned her back on me and has put forth no effort to mend our relationship.
It's sad. Part of me hoped I would be expecting on this Mother's Day just to separate myself from my own mother and give me a bit of joy back on this special day. Instead, I had a meltdown in the arms of my husband and cried for the 10,000th time about the fact that my mother does not love me anymore. Why, then, do I continue to even care?
I am so saddened to read this. I'm sending prayers up above that your relationship with your mother be mended. I can tell you desire it so much. Thinking of you.
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