Wordless... Wednesday...

 

  

 

 

 

Uncertain. Unsettled. Unsure.

The three best words I could find to describe the incredible amount of anxiety and insecurity I feel at this moment. Not only do I have to spend tonight away from my husband for the 1st time since we got married, but I will be doing so to undergo a sleep study. I have 1 page of instructions, but other than that, I have NO idea what to expect.

I am scared. The one person I ever knew who had a sleep disorder died last year. I never thought I would ever have to be evaluated for such a thing. It makes me wonder if my weight has just gotten to a point where it's caused this to occur -- or have I always had a sleep issue? Is it something I was destined to have with a short fat neck -- or could I have done something to prevent this?

Then, there is the actual study. I know I will have my own room -- but will it be like a hospital room or a hotel room? Two very different things. And the bathroom... is it a public bathroom or will there be one in my room? Again, very important and very different. I just envision myself with all kinds of meters and monitors all over testing me like a lab rat. How can a person actually sleep like that?

Then, there's the result. What if they find something? What if they find nothing? Too bad insurance doesn't allow for that. If a test finds nothing, I don't think we should have to pay for them. Like that $177 chest x-ray I had to check for pneumonia last year... negative. Should've gotten my $$ back. Same with this test/study. Although, if they DO find I have a sleep disorder, I'm sure the out of pocket cost of this study will be the least of my worries. Then I will have to think about ongoing treatment for it... <sigh>

I just want to be healthy. I want to feel like a healthy person again. With the fatigue, stomach issues and stress lately, I just can't seem to win. The new vitamins are helping, I think and hopefully this study will be insightful too. Then there is the stress element to tackle, which could be solved if I knock someone's socks off in my job interview tomorrow. But honestly, I can't even prep or think that far ahead right now!

I still have to make it through tonight...

Sometimes I Wish...

Sometimes I wish... that I already had a successful career.

Sometimes I wish... that I lived near the beach. Like close enough to make it a day trip and not have to spend so much money for gas, hotel, etc.

Sometimes I wish... that I would’ve met my husband sooner. So much drama could’ve been avoided!

Sometimes I wish... that food had zero calories/fat and that I always stayed the “perfect size”.

Sometimes I wish... that there were more hours in the day. After work and school, what’s left?

Sometimes I wish... that we could’ve built a life in Nashville. Well, Murfreesboro. If only…

 

Sometimes I wish... that I had more patience. Too often I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

Sometimes I wish... that I could already have children so my husband didn’t have to keep waiting to be a daddy.

Sometimes I wish... I had more energy. I feel like I’ve been zapped and it’s never coming back.

Sometimes I wish... that I would stop wishing and just be happy with my life! That is all!

Friday letter...

dear friday: Glad you finally decided to show up. You're now my 2nd favorite F-word. I am afraid another one surpassed you and is now in top spot (and now I need to wash my mouth out with soap, thanks to you!)

dear stomach: I really didn't eat anything bad today. Why are you being so mean to me?? I wanted to be able to get the grocery shopping finished tonight and have a nice relaxing night with my husband. Please stop the madness before you make me take drastic action!

dear sleeping med: You worked for a week or so, but now, I am feeling drowsy during the day again. Are you not doing your job? Or do you need some help? I'm really feeling scared about this sleep study thing on Tuesday, but I hope they can help me figure this all out and make me all better.

dear job prospect: I am optimistic while also trying not to get my hopes up. After the phone interview, I feel this might be a good place for me, but I have some concerns too. Hoping to get a better feel during my face-to-face interview next week. Just praying to make a good impression and to obtain an offer, if it truly is right for me.

 

dear hubby: I hope we can find sometime to just let loose this weekend. Maybe we can go bowling or go play some games @ Gattiland. I just feel the need to act like a big kid and who better to do that with than you!? Really, I don't care what we do... The weekends are nice because I don't have to be away from you! I miss you, dang it!

Reasons I can't wait for Fall...

 

-No more A/C issues with my CAR! (Yes, it's malfunctioning AGAIN!) Grrrrr!

-The smells – cinnamon, pumpkin, clove, apple cider… Oooo! And candles too! So warm and comforting…

-Sweaters, blankets and fuzzy socks!

-Soups, stews and any other hearty delicious meal my crockpot can create! 

-Holidays and time with family... just a joyful time of year :)
 
-A cheaper LG&E bill. I’m tired of being raped every month.
 

 -Football games, party food and friends = Happy husband! :)

-More snuggling = Happy wife! :)

Waiting on my phone to ring...

I could use all the positive vibes and prayers I can get today. Waiting on my phone to ring and it's nervewracking! Last week, I had 3 phone interviews in a day and a half, which is insane. The one I truly hope to get said they would follow-up with me today one way or the other (whether they want to interview me face-to-face or I just didn't make the cut) I FEEL like it went well, but you just never know... People are SO hard to read over the phone!

Lo and behold this morning, I got a call. About another similar position as mentioned above. I JUST sent my resume to this one on Friday and already they called. With all of these "bites", I am SURE to catch one, right!?

As glad as I am that people are calling, it is bittersweet. I wish I could say, "Hold on. Talk to my husband. Give him a chance. I will wait for mine." If only it worked that way. I just hate seeing him so frustrated and I want to choke the people on the other end of those rejection emails he seems to get so often. I mean, what do you say to someone who is brilliant, hardworking, genuine and remarkable when their resume is getting passed over and they can't seem to get a job break anywhere!? It literally breaks my heart. My husband deserves SO much better...

Church was good yesterday. It was uplifting in a lot of ways. One of the songs they sang took hold of my heart because, well, it reminded me of how faithful God always is and how He never leaves us, no matter what we are going through. The lyric said, "Oh no, you never let go through the calm and through the storm, Oh no you never let go in every high and every low, Oh no you never let go, Lord, you never let go of me..."

He has always brought me through. He has always brought us through. We may not understand why things are the way they are or why we aren't receiving some of the things we've prayed for hard for (like a job for my husband). But perhaps God's plan is bigger than the one we have and there is a blessing somewhere in the midst of this struggle.

Today, I am just going to pray a little harder, cross my fingers a little tighter and hold out hope that a positive change is coming.

My husband IS my soulmate...

I saw a link on Facebook a week or so ago with the title “My Husband Is Not My Soulmate” Here’s the link http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

I started thinking a lot about this article and something about it just didn’t sit right with me. In a nutshell, the author talks about theology and the way it points out that God didn’t make one perfect person for us. The author concluded that God gave us freewill to choose who we want to marry and the one was technically not real.

This just goes to show that the Bible and the scriptures within it can be interpreted in numerous ways and not everyone will come away with the same understanding. I read the same Bible this girl read… but I believe 100% that God does make a perfect person for each of us. She chose to dig deep within the theological reasoning to support her belief… I chose to let the scripture speak for itself. In Genesis 2:18, the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him…” It did not say “helpers”. The passage goes onto say in verse 21, “So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man...” God knew Adam inside out. He knew everything there was to know about him... and He created Eve just for Adam. Adam had freewill just as we do, but God didn't make multiple women for him to choose from. He made one. Eve.

If God designed and created the first man and woman specifically for one another, why would he not do the same for us? That is not to say that we will not feel attraction or fall in love with other people. I am sure there are people right now who are married to someone other than the one God created for them. Not everyone is patient enough to wait on God’s timing for their soulmate to be revealed. It doesn’t necessarily mean those marriages will fail; if God is at the center, it can be successful, even if it’s not with the one.

As a young girl, I dreamed about what my husband might be like. I think a lot of girls do. But as I got older, experienced this crazy thing called life and truly began to think about the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with, it was nothing like the dream I had as a little girl. I began to pray, that God would bless me, that if He had created a man specifically for me, I needed him to come into my life. I had gone through enough life without this person and with the other half of my heart and soul out there, I felt like something was definitely missing. I started thinking -- God knows me from the inside out, just like He knew Adam. He loves me just as much as He loved Adam. I just KNOW there has to be an "Eve" out there for me? I stopped looking for a man and started focusing on myself. As I prayed for my soulmate to be revealed, I was preparing myself for this person, to ensure I was ready for him and to ensure he would receive the very best of me. Within a year, my beautiful “Eve” came into my life and this past year, we were married after 5 years together. He was everything I prayed for and more. I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else. When I look at him, I see God’s amazing love for me because He took the time to create, mold and shape this wonderful man into someone who compliments the best parts of me and is capable of being strong where I am weak. There is no alternate version. There are no other models to choose from. This is the one.

My husband is my soul mate.