Why, oh why!?

Yes, I would like to work in HR instead of Finance. Yes, I would like to make more money. Yes, I would like to have a more flexible schedule. These are the answers to the question replaying over and over in my head... "Why, oh why did I decide to go back to school!?"

 

This is only the second week after starting back and already, I have zero desire to go. I didn't feel like this when I started the Associates or Bachelors programs, so why the heck am I like this now!? Maybe it's because the biggest reason I chose to go back really had nothing to do with the above list. It was student loans. The grace period had worn off. They were coming due and I couldn't fathom having to find the money to pay that on top of everything else. It's funny because some of my previous classmates were talking about continuing with school for that very reason and I rolled my eyes. I judged them. And now, I have gone and essentially done the same thing. I'm not proud of it. I know the additional school and the extra degree will be beneficial to me career-wise. But, if I already feel this way about school in the 2nd week, how the heck am I going to make it through 2 YEARS??

A few months back, when I started an online program with a different school, I recall being frustrated with their program, the adminitrators and the school itself -- but I was balancing schoolwork and doing well on my assignments. There was no way I could've stayed in that program - but it really had nothing to do with being back in school.

Perhaps, that is my issue. Being back in an actual classroom. Sitting in a class each week for 4 hours. Missing my husband. Having absolutely no time for anything on Mondays because I work all day and then go straight to school until 10pm. I never thought I was cut out for online classes, but maybe this time around, that is what I need. Spending 4 hours in a classroom (only 1/2 of that time being actually productive) feels like a waste of time. I remember feeling this before - but there were times when instructors would let us out early, etc. In a graduate program, I know the chance of that is slim to none. I just crave the comfort of doing assignments and having class 'discussions' in my pajamas at home.

The hinderance, at this point, of changing boils down to one class: Accounting. I dread this class... I took Accounting online to finish my Associates degree and then I took it in-class to earn my Bachelors. Accounting is hard either way -- but in-class was definitely better. At least there was an instructor who would go over examples, provide tips if we were having difficulty and there was an opportunity to take notes to help with homework. I looked at my schedule and Accounting is the 4th class I will take, starting on 3/7/14. That's exactly 5 months away. The question is - Can I get through the next 3 classes and then Accounting in hopes I can then change to online classes?

I don't know what to do. I know my husband will be there to support and help me through, whatever I end up doing. I just can't see myself spending every Monday night for the next 2 years sitting in a classroom. Maybe I should've thought of that before I signed up to go back to school --- or maybe, just maybe, switching to an online format is just what I need to get through it.

For the record, in 2 years, after I am finished with Grad school, be sure to slap me if I even THINK about going back to school! :O)

A lil peek at me!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Geez, I look tired! Perhaps I should go back to bed instead of going to work! If only…
 

 2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? $.83

3. What’s a word that rhymes with door? Floor

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? A doctor’s office

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? ‘My Boo’

6. What are you wearing right now? Black pants, pink shirt

7. What motivates you? My husband, personal goals, friends

8. What is your favorite type of wine? Normally I like white wines. Moscato or Riesling is preferred.

9. What's your favorite restaurant? Bravo for Italian, Longhorn for Steak, Chick-Fil-A for fast food

10. What are you passionate about? Love, enjoying life, building a future for my family, music

11. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping

12. What are your hobbies? Singing, blogging, baking, taking pictures, traveling

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? ‘Love you too’

14. What's a phrase that you say a lot? Shut your face!

15. Who told you he/she loved you last (excluding spouse or children)? My friend, Beanblossom

16. Last thing you watched on TV? Blacklist, one of my new favorite shows

17. Favorite age you have been so far? 32 – I graduated college AND got married at that age

18. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday

19. The last song you listened to? ‘Blurred Lines’ on the way to work this morning

20. Where did you live in 1999? Crestwood, KY

21. Are you a jealous person? Not usually. I have my moments though. I call them ‘Keisha moments’ :P

22. What is your best quality? I’m loyal. I will do whatever I can to help someone I care about. Obviously this gets me in trouble sometimes when people take advantage… I’m surprised that hasn’t left me jaded

23. What is your husband’s best quality? He is thoughtful. He does things ‘just because’. And he pays such close attention to things --- he’ll buy something for me 3 months after I said I liked it… He continues to surprise me.

24. What US city would you like to visit that you haven’t already? San Diego, CA
 

 

  25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I honestly can’t remember. I wrote a love letter to my husband not long ago – but I typed it, I didn’t actually HAND-WRITE it.

26. Name three things that you have on you at all times? ID, debit card, cell phone

27. Do you have any regrets? I think about going back and changing some things, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if my path had been any different

 

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? Yes, my ovaries! :/ Feels like somebody is stabbing them

29. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of me and my husband dancing at our wedding

30. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Let’s see. I will be 43 then. Geeeez! Ugh! Well, I will be OLD. Other than that, I hope to have a decent paying/satisfying career, a couple of children and beautiful life with my wonderful husband

 

 

A Tale of Three Marriages...

In recent months, I have become increasingly aware of how fragile marriage is and how easily it can fall by the wayside or disintegrate right before your eyes. In 2013, the marriage success rate and/or likelihood of divorce is 50%. So, half of all marriages ultimately end in divorce... That's staggering, but sadly, not surprising.

When Rodney and I got engaged, we'd been together for just over 3 years. We had already endured our share of storms and emerged stronger on the other side. During our engagement and even our premarital sessions, we talked about what marriage meant to us, what our individual responsiblities would be in the marriage, our views on finances, children, etc. We even talked about dealbreakers or things that could potentially sabotage our marriage. Don't get me wrong... we did not enter into marriage expecting it to fail, but rather we talked about those things in effort to make ourselves more aware of them and hopefully prevent them from happening.

I remember vividly the Monday before our wedding, I was an emotional wreck, sitting in my cubicle, tears streaming and a million thoughts and fears going through my mind. I kept asking myself, 'How do we make sure we don't end up as a statistic? How can we make sure our marriage lasts? How can we hold onto the feelings we have on our wedding day and make sure we never take one another for granted?" The answer is: You can't. There are no guarantees. That's what makes marriage so scary. I was never, for one second, unsure about Rodney. I knew I loved him, I knew he was the one for me and I knew I could not imagine my world without him.

Neither of us had a great example of healthy relationships or what an ideal marriage should look like - so we knew we'd have to figure it out along the way. Even though we had talked about just about all possibilities, we knew there would be things we could not prepare for. By the time our wedding day rolled around, we had been together for 5 years. It was amazing and one of the best days of our lives -- but our focus was more on the marriage than the actual wedding.

For some friends of mine, I am not sure this was the case. Two different friends of mine, both of which I used to work with, are going through separations/divorces. One of them, Bill, had dated Rhonda on and off for 8 years. Their relationship was very much up and down - but leading up to their wedding, it seemed as if they had figured things out and possibly had a chance of making a marriage last. Not so much. They married in Nov. 2012. By January, they were already discovering that they simply could NOT get along. Bill made an error in judgement and Rhonda refused to try to work through the issue. They went to counseling separately, but that was pretty much a waste of time. She flat out refused to speak to him, go to counseling together or attempt to salvage their marriage. By May, they were separated and by August, she had served him with divorce papers. Even though I knew they had a tumultuous relationship, I'd hoped for a better outcome. It makes me sad to think that their marriage never really had a chance.

Then there is Adam, who ironically happens to be Bill's brother. Just today, he posted a sad breakup song on FB and reading between the lines, I reached out to him to see if he was OK. He's not. He's broken-hearted. He is separating from his wife, who he just married in April 2012. So, in just a year and a half, they've concluded that their marriage is over. I don't know the root cause of it or why they ultimately are deciding to part ways. All he would say is that they are too incompatible and he can't trust her. Incompatible? Honestly, I saw that a mile away. We missed their wedding, but just looking at the photos, something seemed a bit 'off'. And then when I did meet the wife at Bill's wedding in Nov, she was highly snoody and had the personality of a wet noodle. Definitely not what I expected, but as long as he was happy, I was rooting for them. It's funny that they met around the same time as I met Rodney and married just shy of 2 months before us. I'm not sure how they did not figure out the mismatch in their compatibility or why they are not willing to work through the trust issue after so much time has been invested.

I'm just --- amazed. After a year and a half, I can say that I love Rodney even more now than I did the day I married him. Our marriage is definitely not perfect --- but it IS healthy. We talk through things. We respect one another. We encourage one another. We take care of one another. That's what a marriage is... Teamwork. A partnership. There are always bumps in the road, but both people have to be willing to work through those differences, compromise on the challenges and stand together through the battles of life. When all else fails, follow the 3 C's --- Communication, Compromise and Consistency.

I do not claim to be an expert. I am not a professional, by any means. But I do believe that people throw in the towel and give up on marriage way too easily. An old quote says, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for". If you believe in that, then you'll be willing to fight for things that are important to you. The day I said my wedding vows, I meant them. They were not just words for me. I would move mountains, go to the moon and back, lay down my life for my husband. Would you?

To My Husband...

To My Dear Husband,

Let me start off this letter saying ‘Thank you’. I try to say this as often as I can, but it never feels like it’s enough to show you my appreciation. You are the epitome of what a husband should be. You are a strong protector, a solid rock when I need it most and beyond all else, you love me --- in spite of my flaws, in spite of my insecurities, in spite of the imperfections that should make you run for the door. Not once have I ever thought or given into the idea that you are a failure or you have somehow let me down as a husband, simply because you are struggling to find work. I use the word struggle because you are far different than the men who want to sit home, allow their wife to work, never lift a finger to contribute and could care less if the bills are paid, his wife is happy or the future is unstable. You apply for jobs --- constantly… And you have been so good about maintaining the home, ensuring dinner is made on most nights, running errands and taking care of me. Our finances get sticky at times, but that happens to everybody. The important thing is that we don’t allow the situation to change who we are or how we treat one another. I am so thankful for you – for who you are, for the man you are striving to be and for everything you do to make our lives better.

I know the news from the doctor hit you hard. It did me too. Sure, I thought about my own mortality. But I also thought about you. The last thing I would ever want to do is leave this world without you. Just as much as you can’t see an existence without me, I feel the exact same way about you. I simply cannot fathom seeing a day without seeing your smile or laughing at your goofiness or holding your hand… Shoot, even the things you do that drive me crazy… I can’t imagine my world without them… without you... You are my moonbeam. You are my everything. Life, for me, just doesn’t make sense if you are not a part of it.

I am grateful for every single day and every single moment we have together. Waiting 27 years for you was hard at times, but you have made it all worth the while. God does answer prayers. You are evidence of that. If He answered that prayer, I know, in my heart, that He will answer the prayers that we pray together as well --- for jobs, for our finances, for children… God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

I love you and I have your back – today, tomorrow and always. With every day that passes, I am more aware and more appreciative of who you are, what you mean to me and all the ways you bless my life. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. I am honored to be your wife and I love you more than I could ever put into words.

I love you to the moon and back!

With my heart and soul,
Babyluv

Less than 5 years to live...

Today, I am thankful. Someone was definitely watching over me. It's crazy to think about your own mortality, but this week, I was given a rude awakening of just how close I came to leaving this earth. With that, I am more grateful than ever to be able to wake up to my handsome husband, have conversations with my dear friends and simply enjoy God's creations all around me.

I had a follow-up appointment this week with the sleep doctor. This is the first time I've seen him since the study and the staggering results that followed. I feel a million times better since I started treatment, but I guess I never realized the full scope of what my condition meant. At the rate I was going and with the severity of my sleep apnea, the doctor told me that my life expectancy was the same as a lung cancer patient - less than 5 years... I sat in my chair for a minute, silent and thinking about what that meant. Less than 5 years to live? I can guess that I've had this condition for at least 2 years already... so that meant I may not have lived to see 35 years old? 40, for sure, was out of the question. That is super scary. My husband could've been a widow. The doctor went onto say that, according to my stats, it was only a matter of time before my body literally began to shut down. In all honesty, I think it already was... Even today, after almost a month of treatment, I still get winded and worn out really easily. The doctor said that would continue to happen as my body catches up on all of the rest & oxygen it missed out on for all that time. Some days I may be able to get by on 7 hours of sleep, but some days, I may need 9-10... that is ok because it's my body recovering from the battle it almost lost.

I think about the full impact of sleep apnea and how lucky I am to be sitting here blogging right now. I was literally dead-girl-walking. And it wasn't even really attributed to being heavy or overweight. That is something I still want to work on because I want to get healthier for energy, pregnancy and just to have a longer life with my husband. Pregnancy... man, can you imagine if I'd gotten pregnant before I got treatment? Not only would I have been depriving my own body of oxygen, but our unborn child as well. That could've meant birth defects, miscarriages, etc. Also another scary thing to think about. I am still not crazy about how it all came to be... Getting backed into a corner or having my job & livelihood threatened was not the best way to discover I needed treatment. But I am thankful that God was watching over me and He sent me to treatment before it was too late.

Life is precious. Life is fragile. And it is also short... sometimes shorter than we expect. Tomorrow isn't promised. I am more aware of that today than I have ever been. I definitely want to hold my husband a little tighter and tell the special people in my life how much they mean to me. I am blessed in so many ways and I never want to take that for granted.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Which One??

Which One??
 

Vacationing in Orlando or vacationing in NYC
I think NYC would be WAY too crowded and WAY too hectic for me. I am gonna say Orlando. A little Florida sunshine always does a sister good! 

 

 iPhone or Droid
I have a Droid now and it BITES. Maybe I should pick iPhone.

 

NSYNC or Backstreet Boys

N’Sync. Hands down. We don’t want no stinking Backstreet Boys! ;)

 

 

Being forced to delete Facebook or forced to delete Twitter
 I don’t Tweet. However, I don’t know what I’d do without my Facebook!

 

Fireball or Miller Light
Miller Light is gross. I’m not sure what Fireball is. Can I just have a Liquid Cocaine or a glass of wine?? :)

 

Full House or Family Matters
Duh. That’s easy. Full House. I can only take so much Steve Urkel... But I could look at Uncle Jesse all day ;)

 

Dumbledore or Gandolf
Say who? Say what?

 

Dying Easter Eggs or Carving Pumpkins
I’m not big on Easter eggs so I’m gonna go with the pumpkin. Most times I have painted the pumpkin in lieu of carving it --- but only because I’m a clutch (aka not good with knives)

 

NFL or NCAAF

NCAAF. Too many egos in NFL to suit me (although I do love my Steelers)

A hangover forever or sobriety forever
 Ew. Hangovers are awful. Going to have to get on the sobriety train here. I can’t bear the thought of being hung over forever. Shoo! 

 

January or July
 January (only because it’s the month my husband was born…)

 

Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus
My first thought is neither. They are both ‘technically’ Miley Cyrus. But at least Hannah Montana didn’t lick sledgehammers or swing half naked on wrecking balls. The only thing worse than Miley Cyrus is Taylor Swift... but at least she doesn't act like a ho! Guess that means HM wins it.

What the HELL happened to her!??!?

 

Shark Week or Fashion Week
 Shark Week terrifies the bajeezus out of me.
Fashion Week makes me feel like the chunkiest, ugliest piece of crap in the world. Can I say neither?  

 

 Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Saved by the Bell
 NO competition here. Fresh Prince, for sure. I’m a sucker for the Carlton dance! ;)
 

Britney or Christina
I’ve always liked Christina’s voice and music better. Plus Britney married Kevin Federline and started dressing like trailer trash. Wait they're both trashy...
Based on the voice only, I’m gonna go with Christina.

 

Wait --- they have the same exact pose... Birds of a feather flock together... 

 

 Burrito or Burrito Bowl
I like it NAKED! Burrito bowl it is! 

 

Reading blogs on your phone or reading blogs on your computer
My computer. If I had access to blogs on my phone, I would never accomplish anything.

 

Angelina or Jennifer

Jennifer Aniston is gorgeous and probably someone I could be friends with (no pun intended). Brad Pitt is clearly the only person in the world
that would choose Angelina in this scenario.
Friggin Idiot.

 

Doug Funny or the Rugrats

I’ve never seen either. 
 

An open mouth chewer or a heavy breather
 I want to kill open mouth chewers. What are you a cow!? Have some friggin manners! Geeez. Heavy breathing doesn’t bother me so much – so I’m going to pick that one.