Talk about a roller coaster kinda morning...
In the span of about 30 minutes, a friend shared sad news with me that her sister who had just recently announced her 2nd pregnancy may have suffered a miscarriage. Several people close to me have gone through miscarriages and difficulty conceiving, so it always hurts my heart to hear of another woman having to endure such physical and emotional pain. (Late edit: Bleeding turned out to be false alarm. No miscarriage. Sonagram confirmed baby is ok and on schedule for a March arrival. Whew!)
A short time later, there were FB posts announcing a pee-test confirmed pregnancy for two good friends of mine who just married on June 7th. We teased them about having a honeymoon baby, but it may prove true after all.
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| Perfect shower gift?? |
Don't get me wrong, I adore Jason and Elizabeth and wish them all the best always. But a small part of me, tucked deep within my heart, I feel a bit jealous. I feel awful even typing that. But my husband and I married a whole year before they did and they're already pregnant and moving toward starting a family. I know it's not a race and things happen when they are supposed to... But when is it going to be our time?
When I take my emotions out of the equation, it all makes sense. Both of them have steady jobs, she is almost finished with her degree, they already have a house and 2 dependable vehicles... They're on track for starting a family. If I compare that to where we are right now, we aren't ready. Perhaps God's timing is perfect... And if that's the case, I need Him to help me... help us to move these mountains and obstacles that are holding us back and keeping us from truly moving forward and enjoying our life together.
My mind is tired. My body is worn down. I should've had the doctor write me a "Get out of work" note for today. She offered, especially when I almost passed out while getting my blood drawn. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel like going home, crawling up in a ball under a bunch of blankets and hide until things get better.
Knots filled my stomach, tension filled my head and tears filled my eyes... This was the scene around 2am as my poor husband tried to calm my panic over the mere thought of having to face work (and my boss) today.
My blog is a lil behind. I've neglected writing about the happenings of 7/12 because I had to have time to process it all and well, it just tore me apart. A couple months ago I had some major dealing with my boss, which is when I decided our "friendship" was over. From then on, it's been mostly strictly business and that's been ok. It seemed as if things were dying down and she had been more satisfied with my work performance. It was fine for me to come in, do what had to be done, put in my 8-5 and call it a day... if that's how it had to be to make this place bearable to work in, that's what I'd do. THAT was, until 7/12.
After a pretty quiet Friday morning and a nice impromptu lunch date with my hubby, I was in a decent mood and feeling like the afternoon was gonna be alright. I stopped by my boss's office to checkin and she instructed me to shut the door. The day before, we'd had a 2 hour team meeting. Long, I know. She accused me of nodding off. Again. In this meeting. Not possible. I know I had shock written all over my face as I said "That's not possible. I was engaged the entire time. What? Seriously?" She went onto say that "she wasn't the only one who noticed" and she needed to "hold me to the same standards as everyone else"... Wait, what just happened!? I was awake the entire meeting. The one time I started to lose focus or get a little bored, I started playing with items on the desk to occupy myself. My friend even walked through the hall 3 different times and I made faces at her through the cracked door. How was this happening again!? The worst was coming because then the boss laid out the final written warning, which said, if this had to be addressed again, I would lose my job and they would replace me. I sat there. Beside myself. After some tears of frustration and some effort to dispute her accusation, I insisted that she document what I said and that I did not agree with the writeup at all. At that point, she suggested, as she did the other time she accused me, that I see a doctor. I saw a doctor the last time and nothing was found. But to do things her way and make it seem as if I was complying to her wishes, I agreed to schedule a doctor's appt.
She was on vacation last week. Thankfully. The Lord saved me from getting an assault charge or saying something to get myself fired. I would not have been able to deal with her or that. Heck, I saw her for 5 min on Friday and it caused a full 2 hour panic. This woman has now fabricated 2 instances of me nodding/sleeping on the job. If she has fabricated it those 2 times, she certainly is capable of creating a 3rd instance to push me right out of the door. What I don't understand is why. My guess is that she is trying to justify her Staff Accountant hire. No one really knew why we fired a Staff Accountant just to hire another one and being that she has the personality of a wet sock, people may be questioning what exactly she does. I could've cared less -- until they threatened my job and the livelihood of my family. I am not in a position to be able to lose my paychecks. It doesn't sit well with me that she is holding my a$$ to the fire, backing me into a corner and making me feel as if I am on a chopping block waiting for an ax to fall. And I suppose it burns my biscuit a little more to think that, at one point, I thought she was my friend and cared about my wellbeing beyond a boss. The person I see now is not someone I like at all and perhaps this is who she truly is. Maybe the first few months was a facade, and if it was, she sure can act. She had several people fooled, including me.
So, needless to say, I'd love to be able to tell my boss and this job to go to hell. But what's more important is finding an outlet and making a move before the ax falls and the rug is ripped out from under me. Just the drive to the office or the thought of work now sends my heart into palpitations and my mind into a full blown panic. My dr appt is this afternoon and I'm tempted to ask for something to calm my anxiety even though I am supposed to be asking her about sleep disorders, etc. to please my boss. <eye roll>
This is so unfair. This is so absurd. I just don't even want to deal with this anymore.
- Today is a bullet point kinda day. My thoughts are so jumbled, I am afraid they wouldn't make sense if I tried mushing them all together.
- I have absolutely no desire to be at work this week. After the mess that happened late last week, I wish I could tell my boss and this company to go to hell.
- Speaking of hell, it's hot in here.
- I am so thankful for my good friend, Bean. She has been a lifesaver.
- School officially started yesterday. I haven't really found my motivation to jump in yet. I hope it's coming. Otherwise, this may have been a bad decision.
- How does one know if the decision they're making is good or bad?
- I really want a cupcake right now.
- My boss is on vacation this week, thankfully. Otherwise, I may have snapped or caught my 1st assault charge.
- Pandora is the only thing keeping me sane today.
- I wish I could win the lottery and run away with my husband. Do people ever get that lucky?!
Here are the Adult ABCs of me! :) Enjoy!
A. Attached or Single?
About as attached as you can be! :) Happily married to the most wonderful husband ever!
B. Best Friend?
It changes. I think I currently have a few “besties”. Lately, Christine and Bean have been at the top of el list.
C. Cake or pie?
CAKE! Flavor doesn’t matter! ;)
D. Day of choice?
Sunday. It’s usually our day to be lazy together, just the two of us!
E. Essential item?
Gum. And chapstick!
F. Favorite color?
Yellow! I do enjoy my share of pink too.
G. Gummy bears or worms?
Neither. Can I just have Skittles or Starburst!?
H. Hometown?
Louisville, KY
I. Favorite indulgence?
Cupcakes. I could eat a cupcake every single day. Yum-O!
J. January or July?
January. Just because my hubby was born in that month, that makes it special J
K. Kids?
Hoping soon.
L. Life isn’t complete without?
L-O-V-E
M. Marriage date?
June 2, 2012 – The most amazing day of my life so far.
N. Number of brothers/sisters?
Zero
O. Oranges or Apples?
Apples. Less work involved!
P. Phobias?
Bugs. Heights, sometimes. Failure.
Q. Quotes?
Most anything by Maya Angelou. She is brilliant.
R. Reasons to smile?
I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband, awesome friends and I am working hard to create a better life for my family.
S. Season of choice?
I am beginning to really love Fall. The leaves are so pretty, it gets just cool enough for a sweater, smells of pumpkins, apples and spices… thoughts of fireplaces, smores and snuggling. Yep, Fall it is! J
T. Thought at this very moment?
I’m ready for it to be 5:00 so the weekend can begin!
U. Unknown fact about me?
I used to be REALLY shy. When I first started going out to Karaoke bars, I would go in, order a beer, sing a song and then sneak out the backdoor. No one knew who I was, where I came from, what I did… they only knew me as “the voice”. That leads me to a confession: It is SO much easier to sing in front of people I don’t know than people I do know or have relationships with.
V. Vegetable?
I’m a potato ho!
W. Worst habit?
Worrying. I drive my poor husband crazy!
X. Xray or Ultrasound?
I think Ultrasounds are cooler because you can see them live as they happen.
Y. Your favorite food?
Chicken anything :P
Z. Zodiac sign?
Aquarius
