I am totally, completely, utterly, hopelessly BURNED OUT!
Folks, when I tell ya that I need a vacation, that might be the understatement of the decade! Work and school, work and school... that's all I've done for the past few years. Although school is over and I can now think of using all of that time for cleaning, going to the gym and cooking, right now, none of that is appealing at this very moment.
Right now, I want to sit on the beach and sip fruity drinks... get some sun on my face while my husband chases the big wave. Right now, I want to escape to a cabin and sit on the porch drinking beers with my hubby. Right now, I'd really rather be anywhere but here doing anything but this.
***timeout to email a resume***
Anywho, the job search is rather slow-going. There aren't a lot of jobs out there right now. I am hoping that companies will start posting more positions now that we're into 2nd quarter. I guess we'll see! For now, I need some energy and motivation to keep it moving until something better comes my way!
Last Sunday was Easter. My husband and I went to a friend's church and then ended up at the family church. (Yes, we got a lot of Jesus that day!) :) At the 2nd service, the pastor resonated with "It is finished" as in Jesus paid the price. His resurrection symbolizes our freedom from the chains of sin. There is nothing we need to do - except believe, put our trust and follow Him. No deed or act will be able to secure our place. Jesus already did that. Although I've heard the resurrection story a thousand times, I appreciated this application of the Word. It put me in my place. It confirmed that nothing I do will ever measure to what God has already done through His son. What a powerful, amazing love!
Also, on Sunday, I submitted my very last grad school assignment. It is finished! While I impatiently wait on final grades to see if I graduate with a 4.0 GPA, I am relieved that school is over. So much time, energy and brainpower has gone to school over the last several years. It feels weird to think about having all of that "free" time, but I welcome it! More time for cooking. More time for working out. More time for wine. And the biggest thing -- More time for enjoying the simple things in life with my husband.
I am thankful to have this Masters degree under my belt. I am tired! Now, onto finding a better job and a better salary (so I can pay back student loans!) It's the American way, right!?
This has been the frustration over the last several weeks. I had two rounds of interviews with a local dentist company. It was a great opportunity - to utilize the skills and education I have while gaining new experience, particularly in management. The company is well-respected and at the top of my list of "places I'd like to work". Yet, I came away empty-handed.
The good part is: I received good feedback. Ultimately it came down to one other candidate and me. I was young, motivated, driven, educated - but the other person was more "seasoned" and in a better position to "plug and go". Due to the departmental needs at this particular moment, they went with the other candidate. Although I feel there was nothing more I could do to sell myself or make them choose me, I am still highly disappointed.
The bad part is: I have to stay where I am indefinitely. To come THAT close to having another job and not being able to seal the deal is... well, it sucks! My current company does not appreciate me or my contributions at all. Even though I am almost finished with a Masters degree, the HR department refuses to allow me to transition there. So, I sit, stagnant, overqualified and bored out of my skull... earning my paycheck, but desperately wanting something more.
I have not blogged much about it, but I've been corresponding with my mother since late October/first of November. I sent her a letter by mail and set up an email account specifically to talk to her. I was careful not to share too many personal details as it had been over 5 years since we had much of any contact.
After several back and forth exchanges, it was becoming clear that this was a mistake. Reaching out to my mother in hopes of repairing our relationship was not a smart move on my part. Maybe I thought she'd changed. Maybe I thought she'd apologize. Maybe I thought we were both older and wiser and could find a way to meet in the middle. The last email she sent was the week before Christmas. I responded the day after Christmas and then there was just silence. After a month went by, I sent a short follow-up message letting her know that the email account would be deactivated if she did not respond soon. Then, I waited...
My father's birthday was on the 2nd and part of me thought she'd email on that day, just to be spiteful. She did not. My birthday was on the 6th and my husband thought that would be the day. Still nothing. This week, on the 11th, our postmaster delivered a yellow envelope to our door requiring a signature. It only had "Happy Birthday" written in the return address box, but I immediately noticed it had been forwarded. Because I'd put our old address on the letter I sent her, I knew it was from my mother.
Hesitantly, I opened it. Inside was a birthday card, but it was blank. It was only a rouse to make me look at the letter inside. It was a long one. It attacked my character. It called me a liar throughout. It threatened me with claims that she knew how to get to me as well as threats of small claims court over items she gave me when I moved out over 13 years ago. I couldn't even cry. I was just angry. I'm still angry. And the things I have to say are not even close to something I would be willing to write publicly on this "Sparkle" blog. So - for the purpose of closing this post, I will say, I am finished with her. I am going to start a private blog to journal all of the painful, ugly, mean and hateful things I have to say to her. Then I am going to close the book and never look back. I cannot and will not subject myself to that kind of pain, even if she is the woman who gave birth to me.
Today is my husband's 33rd birthday. With every year, I find
more reasons to love him and I can’t imagine my world without his smile. Here are just a few (or 33!) reasons why he is
my everything – today and every day…
1. I love the way you love me.
2. You are silly and always know how to make me laugh.
3. You are an amazing husband. The best. You set the bar high for husbands
everywhere – but I have the best :) 4. You are a wonderful cook. I appreciate you taking over in the
kitchen when I am too exhausted or mentally drained. 5. You are sexy. Need I say more?!
6. You are determined to provide for me – even if it means doing something you
don’t want to.
7. You got style and swag :) 8. You love my quirks… even the ones I am ashamed or embarrassed
by…
9. You started “milk & cookie parties” – just as an excuse to spend time
with me.
10. I love your brilliant mind. Some people may underestimate you, but I know
how truly brilliant you are.
11. You love Jesus.
12. You are willing to do the household chores I hate (like
mopping floors, ironing or cleaning gross things like the refrigerator or
dishes that have been dirty for a few days)
13. Since buying our condo, you are becoming quite the handy man (when you aren’t
man-handling things) :0)
14. You say the most random things. But there is usually brilliance behind them
(see #10).
15. You put up with my corny jokes. Who else would do that!?
16. You sing to me. Love songs, rap songs and everything in between. It warms
my heart J
17. You can do an awesome “Carlton” dance!
18. I know you’ll be a great daddy. I can’t wait to give you
babies and watch you with them.
19. You are my rock. When I am weak, you are strong.
20. You put up with my emotional roller coasters whether it’s about my mom or
just PMS. 21. You’ve been right beside me from the beginning of my college
journey. And now, the Master’s degree in less than 12 weeks!
22. You take care of our home. You grocery shop, pick up, take out trash…
whatever I need you to cover, I can trust that you will.
23. You are so cute when you play video games :)
24. You allow me to be myself.
25. You love your mother and you still look out for her, which I appreciate
about you. 26. You pray with me, for me and for our family. 27. You like crime shows ALMOST as much as me ;)
28. You are thoughtful, loving and still hold my hand after 8 years together.
29. You eat my kitchen “experiments” with a smile (hopefully, your birthday
meal will turn out awesome). 30. You have loved me at my best and at my worst.
31. I love your mad scientist face – almost as much as I love your regular face
:) 32. You “get” me. 33. You are an amazing man who has turned my dreams into a reality.
Earlier this week, I got a bit of a scare. The special lady who has been filling the role of "mom" since mine disappeared found a lump on her breast - the same one she had breast cancer in about 8 years ago. By a miracle, it turned out to only be a cyst. Thanksgiving came early for her and her family - and for me. I don't know what I would've done without her over the years, so I am grateful that this was just a false alarm.
Then there is my husband. Every day... every single day... I look at my husband and I am thankful. I can't imagine where I would be or what my life would look like without him. He is my everything. No matter what happens in my day or what frustrations come up at work or what issues I may have with my mother, I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. In his arms, I can crawl inside, hold on tight and forget about the rest of the world. What a blessing it is to be married and live my life with this wonderful man.
So - this is me. A thankful heart. Looking forward to good food, friends/family and some much needed relaxation time with my husband over this long holiday weekend.
If you've ever tried to talk to, reason with, explain yourself or just get through to someone who has a brick for a brain or the stubbornness of a mule, you know exactly what I am feeling. I simply cannot get through to my mother. No matter what I say or how I say it, she refuses to see things from my point of view, admit she's done anything wrong or accept any kind of responsibility for our broken relationship. No, that would be the adult thing to do - and even though she is 58 years old, she is far from acting like an adult.
I don't know what to do. I've wrestled with her last email response for about a week. I can't find anymore words, phrases, illustrations or explanations to get through to her. I'm growing tired of it all really. Even the simplest thing - the fact that I am a grown woman with my own ideas and opinions, far from the girl she used to know - she can't comprehend. Even the smallest inkling of a boundary - like expecting her to earn back my trust before she's privy to personal details of my life - she can't accept or understand. How is even possible to mend this broken mess if she cannot respect me as a woman or the boundaries necessary to rebuild a healthier relationship??
The more I try with my mother, the more I miss my daddy. I don't know why. Maybe I am just craving the love, support and acceptance from a parent. But it feels like I never left square one. I'm fighting the urge to just walk away from the whole thing. My efforts feel like a waste. It's bringing more frustration into my world than peace. No matter what I do, I still can't get through to her...
