Close the book. Never open it again.

I have not blogged much about it, but I've been corresponding with my mother since late October/first of November. I sent her a letter by mail and set up an email account specifically to talk to her. I was careful not to share too many personal details as it had been over 5 years since we had much of any contact.

After several back and forth exchanges, it was becoming clear that this was a mistake. Reaching out to my mother in hopes of repairing our relationship was not a smart move on my part. Maybe I thought she'd changed. Maybe I thought she'd apologize. Maybe I thought we were both older and wiser and could find a way to meet in the middle. The last email she sent was the week before Christmas. I responded the day after Christmas and then there was just silence. After a month went by, I sent a short follow-up message letting her know that the email account would be deactivated if she did not respond soon. Then, I waited...

My father's birthday was on the 2nd and part of me thought she'd email on that day, just to be spiteful. She did not. My birthday was on the 6th and my husband thought that would be the day. Still nothing. This week, on the 11th, our postmaster delivered a yellow envelope to our door requiring a signature. It only had "Happy Birthday" written in the return address box, but I immediately noticed it had been forwarded. Because I'd put our old address on the letter I sent her, I knew it was from my mother.

Hesitantly, I opened it. Inside was a birthday card, but it was blank. It was only a rouse to make me look at the letter inside. It was a long one. It attacked my character. It called me a liar throughout. It threatened me with claims that she knew how to get to me as well as threats of small claims court over items she gave me when I moved out over 13 years ago. I couldn't even cry. I was just angry. I'm still angry. And the things I have to say are not even close to something I would be willing to write publicly on this "Sparkle" blog. So - for the purpose of closing this post, I will say, I am finished with her. I am going to start a private blog to journal all of the painful, ugly, mean and hateful things I have to say to her. Then I am going to close the book and never look back. I cannot and will not subject myself to that kind of pain, even if she is the woman who gave birth to me.

Happy 33rd Birthday Boo!

Today is my husband's 33rd birthday. With every year, I find more reasons to love him and I can’t imagine my world without his smile.  Here are just a few (or 33!) reasons why he is my everything – today and every day…  

1. I love the way you love me.

2. You are silly and always know how to make me laugh.

3. You are an amazing husband. The best. You set the bar high for husbands everywhere – but I have the best :)
4. You are a wonderful cook. I appreciate you taking over in the kitchen when I am too exhausted or mentally drained.
5. You are sexy. Need I say more?!

6. You are determined to provide for me – even if it means doing something you don’t want to.
7. You got style and swag :)
8. You love my quirks… even the ones I am ashamed or embarrassed by…
9. You started “milk & cookie parties” – just as an excuse to spend time with me.
10. I love your brilliant mind. Some people may underestimate you, but I know how truly brilliant you are.
11. You love Jesus.

12. You are willing to do the household chores I hate (like mopping floors, ironing or cleaning gross things like the refrigerator or dishes that have been dirty for a few days)
13. Since buying our condo, you are becoming quite the handy man (when you aren’t man-handling things) :0)
14. You say the most random things. But there is usually brilliance behind them (see #10).

15. You put up with my corny jokes. Who else would do that!?

16. You sing to me. Love songs, rap songs and everything in between. It warms my heart J
17. You can do an awesome “Carlton” dance!

18. I know you’ll be a great daddy. I can’t wait to give you babies and watch you with them.
19. You are my rock. When I am weak, you are strong.
20. You put up with my emotional roller coasters whether it’s about my mom or just PMS.
21. You’ve been right beside me from the beginning of my college journey. And now, the Master’s degree in less than 12 weeks!
22. You take care of our home. You grocery shop, pick up, take out trash… whatever I need you to cover, I can trust that you will.
23. You are so cute when you play video games :)
24. You allow me to be myself.

25. You love your mother and you still look out for her, which I appreciate about you.
26. You pray with me, for me and for our family.
27. You like crime shows ALMOST as much as me ;)
28. You are thoughtful, loving and still hold my hand after 8 years together.
29. You eat my kitchen “experiments” with a smile (hopefully, your birthday meal will turn out awesome).
30. You have loved me at my best and at my worst.
31. I love your mad scientist face – almost as much as I love your regular face :)
32. You “get” me.
33. You are an amazing man who has turned my dreams into a reality.

Happy birthday boo. I love you!!

A thankful heart...

Earlier this week, I got a bit of a scare. The special lady who has been filling the role of "mom" since mine disappeared found a lump on her breast - the same one she had breast cancer in about 8 years ago. By a miracle, it turned out to only be a cyst. Thanksgiving came early for her and her family - and for me. I don't know what I would've done without her over the years, so I am grateful that this was just a false alarm.

Then there is my husband. Every day... every single day... I look at my husband and I am thankful. I can't imagine where I would be or what my life would look like without him. He is my everything. No matter what happens in my day or what frustrations come up at work or what issues I may have with my mother, I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. In his arms, I can crawl inside, hold on tight and forget about the rest of the world. What a blessing it is to be married and live my life with this wonderful man.

So - this is me. A thankful heart. Looking forward to good food, friends/family and some much needed relaxation time with my husband over this long holiday weekend.

I still can't get through...

If you've ever tried to talk to, reason with, explain yourself or just get through to someone who has a brick for a brain or the stubbornness of a mule, you know exactly what I am feeling. I simply cannot get through to my mother. No matter what I say or how I say it, she refuses to see things from my point of view, admit she's done anything wrong or accept any kind of responsibility for our broken relationship. No, that would be the adult thing to do - and even though she is 58 years old, she is far from acting like an adult.

I don't know what to do. I've wrestled with her last email response for about a week. I can't find anymore words, phrases, illustrations or explanations to get through to her. I'm growing tired of it all really. Even the simplest thing - the fact that I am a grown woman with my own ideas and opinions, far from the girl she used to know - she can't comprehend. Even the smallest inkling of a boundary - like expecting her to earn back my trust before she's privy to personal details of my life - she can't accept or understand. How is even possible to mend this broken mess if she cannot respect me as a woman or the boundaries necessary to rebuild a healthier relationship??

The more I try with my mother, the more I miss my daddy. I don't know why. Maybe I am just craving the love, support and acceptance from a parent. But it feels like I never left square one. I'm fighting the urge to just walk away from the whole thing. My efforts feel like a waste. It's bringing more frustration into my world than peace. No matter what I do, I still can't get through to her...

Well, if you can't handle the truth...

It's been a week since I last replied to my mother and there's just been silence. I was not mean or harsh in my note... As in the previous 3, I was cordial, yet honest. Keep it real. If you ask me a question, don't be mad when you don't get the answer you want. If you ask me a dumb question, don't be mad when I flip that sucker around and point it right back at you.

SO... this is just how I am feeling about the whole thing...

 

 

And so I did... But I'm not sure why...

After a lot of back and forth conversations (with myself, mostly), I bit the bullet and mailed a letter to my mother. It wasn't mean. It wasn't pitiful. It was an "olive branch". It was as much as I could muster up to try to communicate with my mother.

A few weeks passed and one day, out of the blue, I checked the anonymous email I'd set up for the sole purpose of her response. And there it was. She responded. I held my breath as I opened and by the second sentence, I was sitting, chin on the floor, asking myself why I even bothered. It was the most manipulative, guilt-ridden, pity party, delusional fiasco of a letter I've ever read (well, not counting her previous letters, of course). I drove home, aggressive music blaring, windows down, trying to find a way to sort through that mess. When I got home, I had wine... and more wine... talked to my husband... then he had wine... and then a mixed drink... Yep, it was that bad.

I marinated on her letter for a couple of days, pondering whether or not to respond and trying to find a way not to dismiss her altogether. Finally, as respectively as I could, I drafted a reply. It didn't take long before she had more to say - and it was much of the same BS as her first note. After several eyerolls and "Why the hell did I even do this", I began to realize that it was going to be next to impossible to reason with my mother.

As of today, we've corresponded back and forth three times. It's a nightmare really. I am trying not to disrespect her but it's getting more and more difficult to bite my tongue, particularly when she tells bold-faced lies or tries her hand at manipulating me the way she used to. As much as I miss having a mom, I am not going to allow her to bring unnecessary drama into my life. I am trying - and if she cannot appreciate my efforts to reach out and try to fix what is broken - then she does not deserve to be in my life.

If I won the lottery...

I'd spoil my husband...

 

I'd buy our dream home...

 



And a beach house...

I'd pay off all our debt (student loans, cars, etc.)...

And then travel the world with my husband...

Did I mention quitting my job!? Maybe that should've been first!

Finally, I'd donate to good causes...